8-25-2023

8-25-2023

Apparently God lied to me again. I went to bed happy Thursday night because He told me my former girlfriend (fg) would show up this weekend and at a point was lead to believe it would be Friday.  I woke up Friday ecstatic, full of hope, and I was happy until she posted something that showed she was still far away.  Maybe I misunderstood what God meant, but it feels like a lie.

Mentally I am not doing good.  My once wife (ow) and my kids are all I have to turn to now and she was no help, I hung up on her, and put the phone on flight mode.

Taking all of my diabetes meds at once is sounding better and better than living with God and pretty much the rest of the world lying to me all the time.  From things as simple "as we'll get you a Switch with the tax return" (way back when it was released) or "we'll have the money for your shop with this new job" to as complicated as love, affection, and passion.  I have been promised or seen the promise of things I need so much that I don't really trust anything or anyone anymore.  Everyone has lied to me my whole damn life. I'm done, I'm just done.

OW is like give it time, but at the same time telling me we have to make our own way.  Damn it, I've been doing everything on my own with little to no help, and as far as FG goes I've been totally on my own.

I have been accused of things I did not do, stuff I would not do, and of things I did not say by FG.  I gave her unconditional love, and spoiled her as I could, but I got pushed aside and cast away for a job, even though I did my best to aid and assist her in getting her career going.  I am now at a point where it is becoming obvious to me that she does not care about me at all and probably never has even though she claimed I was her "ride or die" and has acknowledged I have saved her life more than once.  I guess with so many other lies in my life her promise to join me, and her expressions of love were just more lies to add to the incalculable list of lies told to and or about me in my life.

The promise of love, affection, and being with someone I care about has again been yanked away from me.

I am almost to the point of releasing The Dead Hand post (it will take out some big names when it goes up, and currently it's post date has to be reset every Saturday or it goes live the very next Sunday that I am not alive) and deleting all my social media, including YouTube, and since they are not selling anyways all of my books from publication.  Just give up, shut down, work toward retirement age and hope to just die on the job, or maybe in some horrible traffic wreck.

I had two people that have kept me here FG and Buttercup, now it is only Buttercup.  If anything happens to her I won't stay around as I will have nothing and no one left to stay for.

I just want to die, I'm ready to die

8-30-2023

So what has happened since Friday night when I wrote the above?

If you have not guessed I have not taken all of my meds though that was insanely hard not to do that night--only the thought of Buttercup kept me from doing that

I caught all of my dishes up Saturday

Cleaned and straightened my entertainment center

Went through some boxes of mostly garbage that have been sitting around since the move 4 years ago

I've been doing some soul searching and mental work

Working with my tarot deck

Letting the Universe guide me on some questions

Meditating

Wrote some long things to FG

Took my divorce papers for OW to the courthouse only to find out that three of the forms have been replaced and I need OW to fill out the new forms and try again...third times a charm? 

I got a response to a question posed to FG on Monday but it was just a few words and I have had nothing since.

My gut tells me the relationship is not over.  My heart tells me she loves me.  My head is unsure as her actions are not matching my feelings.  She is not quiet enough to be considered as to have "ghosted" me, but the silence is enough to be considered technically ghosted.  My spirit guides are telling me to be patient with her because I cannot see what is happening on her end, but I am not a patient person by nature--part of why I make a good manager is needing fairly constant status updates and I must be good at it because I have been in management positions since I was 17 years old.  I keep getting the same message that I will suddenly get a really long letter explaining everything.  There are hints of spell-work and dark craft between us too.  I have been given a lot more but I won't share that lest I screw up what is in the works.  Inside I feel like Moses battling words with Ramses and God keeps hardening her heart against this.  The biggest and clearest message though has been "Do NOT give up on her" that is a command I cannot ignore and one more reason I cannot self terminate as to do so would be to give up on her.

I am running down though and I really don't know how much longer I can adhere to that recent command in general.  To quote Bilbo "I feel like butter that has been spread over too much bread."  I need prayers for my strength to hold out, for her to realize what I see in her, and for any spells/prayers set against us to be broken.

Maura