Monday, December 11, 2023


Yes I am still around--I know this fact will disappoint some.  Where have I been?  Down dark desert highways in my mind.  The cool wind has been from the chill of winter sneaking in through November's open door.  The warm smell of brush-fires was my companion for a couple of weekends including over Indigenous Peoples day.  I found my seasonal depression, and loneliness early this year too.

Living alone is not how I pictured it back in 1979.  If I burn brush one day I spend the next day catching up my cleaning.  If something major breaks down like the truck--read on--my cleaning and yard-work suffer.

I sit in my car and cry when I come home because the house is more like a tomb than a home.  No lights, no sound beyond the running water of my daughter's fish-tank--unless the furnace happens to be on, no scents, kind of chilly because no one is here all day so why waste fuel to heat it above 68F?  I had hopes that last winter would be the last one alone.  There are ways that being alone is better than what I had two winters ago where there were other people here but I was totally ignored and pushed away--I spent almost three years hiding in my workroom and now it is hard to go in and put stuff away.  The big upside is I am no longer contemplating un-aliving myself anymore.  One note on depression is I am not putting the Yule tree up as the thought of it just reminds me of how lonely I am right now.

So the truck is down...I thought I lost the water pump Friday as when I started adding water to the radiator after finding a puddle under the truck it started peeing on the ground.  Tore the front of the engine down and found the pump to be dry?!  My daughter was helping so I put the coolant back in while she watched from the bottom.  Looked like it may have just been the lower hose.  Changed the hose and something nagged me to just add a gallon of started peeing again *angry face and adult language here*  Went to Harbor Freight and bought a cooling system tester, pressurized the system and it sounded like a whoopee cushion from under the a/c compressor...more tare down and a visit to YouTube later and it turns out that Ford used the timing cover as the back half of the water pump.  There are two large water passages that are connected right there and apparently this is a known design flaw.  Someone in the past replaced the water pump and consensus is that the timing gasket should have been replaced then.  So all the accessory brackets are all hanging around under the hood right now, and next weekend will be spent opening the timing cover.  Yes I will replace the chain and gears while I am in there as well as the water pump.

The SUV (Bandit) finally made it to the body shop from the hailstorm in July, and was classed as a total.  It is just hail dimples and most of them are on the roof where you never see them so I was able to keep the car and after the payout I have no more payments and was able to drop to liability insurance.  This means I gain about 15% of my income back and this is set to be put back for my shop.

I have learned that there is a big reason divorce lawyers get so much for their work.  It's the number of trips to the court house!  Got the last of the papers in finally, was called back for another set, told they'd be signed in 3 or 4 days...three weeks later I called "Oh no, judge ____, never does that, you and Once Wife have to come to the hearing in February.  It would be so much easier if everyone at the courthouse was on the same page!  My divorce is uncontested, we have already divided all the assets, and debts, Once Wife lives a seven hour drive away and has for almost a year and a half, the paper work is deceptively simple with a little googling, except for changing the forms between getting them and filing them; so I chose to be my own lawyer--Once Wife readily helped even.  So a waiting we will go--uh real lawyers is this normal??

I am following my heart, and gut right now with aid from the divine.  I feel like there is something monetary coming in but no idea how.  I feel like there are other big changes coming soon too but again not exactly when--I hate the term "divine timing" at this point.  I know some of what is coming but I can't share yet, but I am pretty sure by this time next year I may be self employed from my shop.

On the shop, some things are moving forward like cash, and hopefully construction will begin once winter breaks.  As I get closer to removing brush from around the shop building I may start recording at least short videos.  I will be doing more detailed videos when I get back to doing work in the back bedroom too.  Working the camera and working is tricky on a good day but shorts may be the way to go.

I have a wild idea that I may install a salt water "pond" (like dead sea level of salt) out back essentially a swimming pool but you have to be careful how you market things with building codes...this project is a couple of years out at least....for one thing I need a great fence first.

Work is shifting so I won't be doing so much actual repair and will be doing more project management.  This is a good thing as doing both has increased my stress level and my waist.

On being me; laser hair removal has started and the facial hair is starting to fade already.  I have went back to carefully watching my diet so I can reduce the expanded waist--if I am going to look pregnant I should at least get a baby out of it.  My hair is growing back to being longer again and maybe by this time next year it may actually be well below my shoulders when in a low ponytail again.

I have faced what in my circles is called "the dark night of the soul" several times over this last year.  Do I recommend going through them?  No because they are Hell to go through, but I am in a much better place mentally now than last year.  I would recommend therapy or any number of shadow work journals to help yourself.

So basically I am in a better place, I am hopeful of changes coming in, I am behind on some things but should be able to catch up...I hope :-)

Maura Out


Yes I am still around--I know this fact will disappoint some.  Where have I been?  Down dark desert highways in my mind.  The cool wind has ...