The first expeditionary fleet of Rigal seven was just approaching the Ort cloud of Sol, sixty ships strong and a very confident Lord of War in his flag ship when suddenly a human voice comes through their communications system without any crew activating it. A very cheerful female voice with a very strong Minnesotan accent suddenly fills the entirety of every ship.
“Oh hi there guys this is Barb in Stellar traffic control. How ya doin there Mr. Lord of War, ditcha bring an invasion fleet, or are ya here for the Grateful Dead concert in St. Paul this weekend?”
“Grateful Dead?”
“Oh I never realized da Universe had Dead Heads, but here ya are! Totally gnarly dude!”
“Uh Barb, is it? I am here to bring your backwards people into The Galactic order, not go to some concert.”
“Yes, my name is Barb, and who brings an invasion to arrive on a Wednesday? I mean isn’t that more of a Monday thing? I mean ya only be startin then have to stop for the concert, recover from your hangover and contact highs then go back to invading. Jus makes a bit more sense to wait until Monday in the first place. Now did ya submit your planned invasion papers?”
“Planed invasion papers?”
“Oh silly, ya did reach out the Department of Immigration Control and Enforcement and file form EI dash 4562 in triplicate, notarized in the county you first plan to land in right? Oh, and the Environmental Protection Agency will need an environmental impact statement in regards to the entire scope of this invasion. Did ya clear this with the local Zoning boards? All together I think there are about 200 forms that need filed dontcha know? But you seem to be from a fairly advanced race of beings so between forms and environmental studies, we should be able to fit ya in, in say twenty years?”
“And if we don’t file the forms?”
“Oh the court dates and litigation could bankrupt a very well off galaxy. I mean once the lawyers get going at five hundred dollars a billable hour they can kind of drag things out for decades, maybe even centuries. I have some connections if ya would prefer the Dead concert.”
“How much paperwork is involved in that?”
“Oh, now ya just be tourists and seein as you aren’t on the extraordinary travelers list we could allow ya ta visit for up to ninety days. Best to get your parkin passes soon though. You’ld be parking in Luna orbit though, too much traffic in close to the Earth for your ships to be takin up that much prime space. After the concert ya need to be visitin Earl’s Dinner out on route twelve, best burgers in the state an I aint just sayin that cuz he’s my uncle either.”
Twenty minutes later the Lord of War had his parking passes and shuttle routes to St. Paul, and Barb was debriefing her supervisor.
“Barb, did you really just get an invasion fleet to go to a Grateful Dead concert instead of invading Earth?”
“Ya, not too hard to do really, be polite, point out the paperwork backlog, and poof ya can get’em to do whatever you want really. Oh and the show is sold out now too.”
“This is like the fifth invasion fleet you have single-handedly stopped this year.”
“Well grandma always said ‘kill ‘em with kindness’ guess it works; see ya in the morning Bob.”
