7-30-2023

Work has been busy and with the added excessive heat advisories it has been a bit brutal as well.  Temps here have hit heat index values of or close to 120F consistently this last week and I've been out in it during the hottest parts several days.

I picked up Buttercup (my grand-daughter for  those who are new here) from where she is in town visiting my oldest on my way home Friday so the weekend has not been near as lonely.  Having her around has been a real boon to my depression clearing a bit too--okay, at this point I think we all know I don't do well alone.  On the Buttercup note I have introduced her to Xyla Foxlin videos on YouTube so she has a unrelated to her pretty woman who is smart to watch.  I have also learned she is basically a carnivore.  Hot dogs for dinner?  No bread just ranch to dip them in.  She asked for a hamburger, she eats them on the Gen-X all purpose bun...aka sandwich bread, eat with it?  Pickles...well they are made of cucumbers so I'll count them as a vegetable.  She has never really liked bread in any form, never been a big potato person either, upside she probably has the healthiest diet in the family.

A couple weeks back I realized I was dipping into my cooking wine a bit hard so no more wine for me for a good long while.  My dad was an alcoholic as was his dad and I need not keep the cycle going.

I passed the interview for inclusion into Marquis Who's Who for the 2023 edition!  They actually came to me and as I was told in the interview it meant I was already vetted!  I understand this is better than a verified badge on social media so we shall see where this leads now 😊

Victim 18 should be in print and Kindle by mid August and to say I am excited to finally see it complete is an understatement.  I only wish Wren's doppelganger was still around in my life as she had been for many years.

Due to a typo I have created a new term!

Respinse: (Verb) When a person answers a question by spining it and never actually answering the question.

Well typos and all this is Wednesday and needs to get out days ago.  Catch y'all a bit later 😊

Maura Out

7-24-23

 July 24,2023

I'm a little behind on writing this week as I usually write these up either on Saturday throughout the day as I sit down to eat or on Sunday morning as the wash is going.  Instead I am writing as I eat breakfast on a Monday.

Today my dad would have turned 75 had he not gone to Vietnam when he was 18.  He has been gone 13 years now, I miss him something fierce lately as he would be able to advise me on my life better than anyone with my current situation and his experience.  I do not grieve his loss though as his time in Vietnam during the Tet offensive of 1968 left him with living nightmares and memories no one should ever have.  For dad death was a blessing.

Dad would have liked this quote as he taught me to live this way:

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."

--Robert A. Heinlein

So why am I behind?  I had to drive to Paducah on Saturday to conduct a prisoner transfer from cell block 11328...I was picking up Buttercup--my grand-daughter--for her 2 week visit with me and other family.  The trip isn't bad but it is kind of boring through a long stretch of it.

Buttercup is now a yellow belt in Jujitsu, is 4' 4" tall and only 7, and still has an exemplary command of the English language.  I let her drive the lawn mower around the front yard--it's the smoothest part of the yard--and she picked up the zero-turn controls really fast.  Don't worry I had the speed set so low I can jog faster than it can go and the mower function was not on, basically it was a fancy go cart for about 15 minutes.  She wants me to turn the deck on next time...nope not for quite a while as the engine has to be full throttle for that!

We had a hailstorm roll through with straight-line winds and near golf-ball size hailstones the other day.  My Traverse has over 100 dings in the paint, shattered wing mirrors, and a broken windshield.  It's a good thing I keep a low comprehensive co-pay on it.  I also had about 40 feet of my American Elm blow out, so yeah that is sickening.

I had my interview for Marquis Who's Who on Wednesday evening.  I was surprised it took over an hour, and more surprised that at the end I was told I am now an inductee into the publication.  I was actually invited to apply by Marquis which according to the interviewer means I was vetted before they extended the offer.  The worst part was when they asked about my spouse or significant other and I had to say I don't have one.  It really hurt to say that especially since the one I love would have benefited from the exposure and it could possibly have got them in as well.

On one I love, she will communicate in some ways but not generally.  If I ask how her or the kids are I get blatant silence, she will respond to other people on twitter but not a peep to me.  I did tell her about the interview and got congratulated but then back to silence.  I still do not understand this.  I feel the signs I am being given are correct that there is someone I can't see causing trouble and giving her VERY bad advice.  I guess it could also be that it is easier to ignore/ghost/be silent than to actually discuss and work things out like adults.

As regular readers know I had to put a clutch on the mower recently and sick me made a couple of mistakes.  The first one was I should have extended the wire harness so it was further from the spinning pulley of doom that wound up cutting the wires off.  Not in great mental condition me then repaired said cut in a hurry and apparently the vibrations caused a short...so it has been repaired again, but this time I did it 100% correctly.

In my day job I have begun interviewing potential workers and we have hired one who is supposed to start today.  The next one gets an interview tomorrow by phone, and another on Wednesday in person.  With any luck I may have four new crew members on by mid August and maybe we can let the tech who is day drinking go--he is an excellent plasterer so hard to let him go without a replacement.

You may have noticed I have not yet won the lottery.  I would rather have her as opposed to the money though so thoughts, prayers, spells, whatever you're into are appreciated.

Maura out

An ancient bill of lading?

This is the Phaistos Disc...well one side of it anyways.

It was found in 1908 in the Minoan site of Phaistos, apparently no one knows what it was for.  Of course there is the usual anthropologist go to that is was a religious object as some think it could be a prayer inscribed on it.  Others feel it could be a game.  Why is every unexplained object unearthed always have to be a religious object?  The ones that get me are the obvious dildos.  Like okay Professor, have you never been to a sex shop?  Kink is not new.

The Minoans lived on an island, they were sea faring.  The built palaces so they must have had some level of expendable income--Wikipedia says anthropologists don't know the function of the palaces...uh, dudes have you not looked at a modern palace?  Maybe you should watch some MTV Cribs instead of breathing so much dust?

Let's look at a simple answer since apparently many of these disks have turned up since 1908.  So sea faring, island nation, probably had a lot of trade, it may be a simple answer but has anyone considered it could be a bill of lading to ensure all of a shipment arrived?  At this point in history you'd have had boats more than ships and sailors who probably wanted to be home with their families now and then.  Shipments would have hopscotched from port to port and boat to boat as they crossed the seas, so things would probably get separated or lost really easy.  To me the easiest answer is probably why no one can figure it out--have you ever looked at a shipping manifest?  It really could be as easy as:

"Hey Bob, this is what I packed in this batch

14 amphora of olives

2 casks of Myrrh

27 Scimitars--sorry 3 are back-ordered

1 bolt of silk for your wife

etc, etc, etc.

As always thank you for shopping with Discount Odds and Ends Direct your one stop supplier for everything."

 

Seriously, it really could be that simple a basic, water proof, reasonably durable--I mean it has survived 4000 years, bill of lading to ensure that everything made it from one boat to another at every cross-docking--something we still do to this day.  I often wonder why average everyday people aren't asked for input on stuff that archaeologists and anthropologists can't work out.

7-16-2023

Well as I noted last week this a dated title so a personal blog post.

Yes I am still royally hacked off with God.  I am beginning to see how the ancient Greeks could attribute such nastiness to their gods.  I have always thought God is a practical joker because it explains so much like trans persons, chocolate tastes great but candy is bad for you and yet Brussels-sprouts taste like absolute garbage and are good for you, diabetics pretty much all have a sweet tooth yet sugar will kill us...you get the idea.  Now I'm just realizing like all practical jokers He has some severe mental issues and over all is just an ass.

I have asked for strength to walk away, to drive her from my mind, and yet she is still there.  I still cry myself to sleep.  Still dream of what could/should have been.  Still see shadows of the kids running through the yard--previous owner built this house and had no kids so they are not ghosts.  Still wish she had talked more and we would not be so far apart now.

Yes I still blame the job from Hell and her Asshole boss for all of this as she told me over and over that all of her time and energy was going into the job.  Note not her career, but her job, something she apparently does not realize are different things.  A lawyer has a career as a lawyer, their job is whatever firm they work for and if they leave "Go ahead and sue me" to go work for "They did what to you?!" their career is still the same, only the job changed.  My last words to her were to explain what I meant by "she does not need job but job needs her", that job needs her expertise, her massive follower count, her ability to turn concepts into beautiful prose, that she could do all of that on her own and be even more successful, but I apparently resent her career and that is reason enough to end us.  I knew and told her many times that most of our issues would/will clear up once she is up here, but she doubled down--hardening of Pharaoh's heart anyone?

Funny, I built her a website, built her blog, scraped and searched her twitter feed for threads and key words, scraped old Tumblr posts, and compiled them each week for her blog posts.  Took those scrapings and cleaned them up, corrected grammar from threaded tweets to long form posts, bounced them off of her and set them to post, but I resent her career.  That blog is the most likely thing to have gotten her the job, but look at who got thrown away and accused of resenting.  I stayed silent about all of this until recently, but the world deserves the truth.  I offered on many occasions to help her with things work related, but seldom was that taken up beyond explaining concepts that the job's IT department could not explain to her because they obviously didn't understand the subjects themselves--funny that her boss supposedly has 40 years in IT but can't explain anything IT.

"If you can't explain something simply you obviously don't understand the subject well enough." --Albert Einstein

I have been given many signs of late:

"She regrets the choice of leaving"

"She can't stop thinking about you"

"She has been acting like she doesn't care, but is staying up at night thinking of me, and wanting to be with me, but feels it is too late now."

"She is acting like she is gone but is checking my social media regularly."

"She want's to reach out and fix the mess but doesn't know where to start"

"She want's to contact but fears rejection" 

 "There is a third party involved on her end, a family member or close friend who does not approve of you and she is confused and torn between them and you"

Great!  Have her call me!  I won't reject her.  I won't rebuke her.  I have told her many times that I accept her as she is and that includes misunderstandings as we are both different and express things differently.  It was just a simple misunderstanding.  Yes it could have been quickly cleared up if she had spoken up at the get go instead of going silent, but to me love is stronger than words and loyalty means all.  I have been ever loyal to her and her coming back shows loyalty to me.

I know, there is a chance that my venting won't help but I sat in silence and only got silence back.  She can't outwardly say anything about this or she outs herself.  So the worst that happens is nothing changes and she doesn't speak to me.  If she want's me to stop then she can talk things through instead of "too much has happened in the last year for us to be romantic" as I have said before what happened was from her end not mine.

In other news I have an appointment to be interviewed for the next installment of Who's Who on Wednesday evening 7-19-2023.  I have been told that this is better than a verified tick/check/badge on social media, so maybe this could be good, but I won't get my hopes up too soon--funny if we were still together I guess she would count as my significant other.

I spent last Saturday night and a good chunk of Sunday with sever intestinal cramps that kept me awake most all night.  My back and belly were sore from them through Thursday.  As I've noted before when I'd manage to drift off I'd wake up calling for her.  Even though being sick on Sunday I still managed to remove the mower's deck clutch, and install the new one, then mow the yard--what am I supposed to do it's just me here.

During the day Saturday I managed to clear out a corner of my living/dining room--yep one big room *insert eye-roll here*--where my youngest had set up camp and lay claim to the area almost two years ago....a lot of trash and packing later and I have a clean corner now.  I plan to clean some each evening and weekend unit I have the house purged and cleaned, maybe I'll do a crib tour then and cover what is in the planning stages to be upgraded, removed, and added, basically a preview of Maura the Maker episodes to come in the future.

Over all how am I doing?  Good question, some would say "I'm a hot mess", some "a spicy disaster".  However if you look at my life from the inside; I do okayish at work, and fall apart on the way home.  I basically cry everyday once I park the truck before I can manage to go check the usually empty mail box, grab my lunch box from the truck, and head inside, some evenings I'll roam the yard and complain to God, try and get Him to give me some answers, try to get Him to understand that I know what I want and what I need, and telling Him to stop being an ass to me and help fix the mess between me and her.  Once inside I usually lose an hour, but have trouble figuring out where it went.  Saying I am depressed would probably be the easiest thing to say though.

I'm still buying Mega-millions tickets just because it is a hope, maybe I can get enough to get my shop running, maybe I could hit the jackpot and then she'd be willing to come home--I have no shame on that.  So long as I don't spend more than $4 a week I figure it isn't hurting anything really.

I'm trying to stick to my plan going forward that I set down not long ago but right now it is kind of hard to stick to it, but I'm trying.

Victim 18 is back from the proof reader so I need to upload the edited text and then set it to live and start it selling.  Next will be the audio book format and that will take a lot of time to do--I was hoping she would help me on that as she has an audio engineering background but one more thing I have to do myself now.

Space Trucker still needs it's audio edits but is recorded.  Weather permitting I may get Space Jump recorded soon too but I should probably finish partial projects first--ADD, it's a thing.

Well I guess that sums up my week and how I am mentally, spiritually, and physically, thanks for listening and letting me vent.

Maura out

7-12-2023

There is a cheesy saying you see in a lot of people's homes:

"Live, laugh, love"

Bah humbug!  After my last year I am opting to my old outlook:

"exist, hate, & pray to die soon"

In my lifetime love has never been what I've seen in happy couples–which is FAR from fairy tales anyways–it seems anyone who has said "I love you" has never truly meant it.  Twice now I have thought I found the one that would be with me forever, that my home and life were complete, and both times it has fallen apart.  Regular readers know the first one was doomed from the beginning, the second was doomed from a simple misunderstanding that just kept fueling itself because she would not talk to me about how my feelings made her feel.

So I give up.  I'm done.

I'm sick and tired of God/The Universe/Karma/The Great Whatever letting me get some glimpse of happiness, of love, of acceptance, then yanking it away from me.  I'm tired of God being an ass to me.  I'm tired of being Their punching bag.  I'd rather be alone, miserable, and hate filled than go through this again.

I keep getting signs that she still thinks of me, that she realizes her mistake, etc, uh-huh, she has my number so if that's the case why not poke her to call me oh merciless one?!  Why continue to make me suffer.  Why against all odds did you have us meet in the first place?!  Why did you let her misunderstand what I was saying then take a year to tell me only to have her say "too much has happened in the last year..." she caused the last year by not talking to me upfront!

If I'm lucky the Universe will smite me dead and this whole damn issue will be done, but knowing how God is I'll probably live to 150 as the last person on Earth after the Apocalypse.

Video Game Abilists

Okay, why do no video games have this person selling "The Mystic Breathing Potion" to help with your asthma or COPD?  For that matter why do video games typically not depict persons with physical limitations?  Is it too much for say an apocalyptic story-line to have a war vet that is missing a leg or an arm?  Maybe a diabetic managed to survive the apocalypse?  I know we still have the ongoing debate about female presenting characters being under-dressed and we are starting to see more characters that are heavier, but where do the deaf people fit in?  The savants?

How much more complex could a sires of challenges be if the chosen character was in a powered wheel chair?  First there has to be room for it to fit.  There would have to be random electric outlets to plug into possibly putting you in bad situations.  You could have upgrades via mechanics in the game like tracks instead of wheels.  Maybe an upgrade for a mini-gun turret?

Basically in my experience game characters are very fit, very able, very nimble, why do we not see an 88 year old warrior with all the limitations that typically come with age like decreased mobility, the need to pee more often, short term memory issues, etc?  Imagine not only a health bar but a need to pee counter that could cause you to slow reactions in battle because you're afraid of wetting yourself or at a certain level of urgency the character begins doing a pee-pee dance.

Just adding these characters as a playable difficulty option every-time you complete the game could have people playing the game more.  So say you complete the game in normal mode, difficulty increase could be "Asthmatic mode" from there "88 year old mode" then "Power chair mode" or even let people choose that mode at start.  The point here is that different players could sort of play as themselves, you could keep eyeballs in the game longer, it becomes less about look at how fast I can play this and more "how do I solve this."

7-9-2023

As much as I see her for what she is or appears to be--the more I learn the more I question--hearing bands on the radio--yay nothing but 80's weekend--that I know she likes while slowly cleaning out a section of my living room is rough.

I have to remind myself that she is the one who took words out of context, and believed I resented her career.  That she chose to go no contact when I'd vent publicly about how bad her job is to her and how it is disrespectful of the kids--public was all I had because the job was eating all of her time and she couldn't find the needed time for us to talk as we should have been doing in increasing amounts as she was supposed to move up here last August--which of course caused me to be more depressed and lash out at her job more, which caused her to shut down more.  I had no idea what was happening in this self feeding circle because rather than talk to me, and explain that my words hurt her and how--so we could discuss the problem--she went silent.  Maybe there is some childhood trauma that makes that hard for her but I have never jumped down her throat about anything.  She decided without warning to set a boundary on not contacting her before she was ready, and as I have stated before for a boundary to be observed it has to be clear and delineated before hand, so this sudden boundary rightfully dug deep into me and caused me a lot of pain.

I'd have and honestly still would do almost anything for her and the kids, but she chose to throw it all away and stay living with a woman who has tried to kill her not all that long ago. I was right that ultimately it is the job at fault as she chose it over my love and acceptance of her and the kids as they are, and a stable home free of the physical and mental abuse as well as the constant fear of being killed.  A stable home that would give her more time to pursue her career to the point as I have mentioned before she knows I have an office planned for her in a section of my shop.  I accepted her kids as my "bonus kids" some time ago, I had already told her multiple times I will raise them as my own.  I have told her I have no problem with her traveling for her job and having the kids with me--I've known them most all of their lives after all.  Instead what June should have marked as an eleven year relationship marked what appears to be an end between us and I'm left now to reassemble my life from a massive pile of Legos with no instructions and no help all because I love her and I ultimately wanted better for her and the kids than she is getting.

I have to remind myself that I did nothing wrong. This is not my fault.

I did not tell her to get butt hurt over what to me were legit actions and reactions--we are both autistic so perception is probably skewed on both ends. I tried many, many, many, times to get her to engage, tell me what was bothering her, to talk this through, but rather than talk to me she choose silence and distance.  At bedtime I'd ask "how was your day?" she could have said: "Well your tweet about...really bothers me.  Why did you say that?"  From there things could have been worked out quickly and an offending tweet or post here could have been deleted that evening.

To some it may seem funny but I'd still be willing to talk this through with her.  I'm still willing to have them here.  I had to block her on every platform because she kept popping up in my feeds or in the "you should follow...because X follows" but she chose no contact and the constant algorithmic barrage makes it harder to stay in a good head-space.  If she is reading this and wants to talk she has my phone number, if she does not--much like needing my address--there are people I trust to pass it through (again first names only and all can DM me on twitter): Scott, Maggie, Andy, Neon, Drew, Em.

Maura out

An addition as I started writing the above on 7-8-23

I spent most of the night awake with intestinal cramps.  When I would fall asleep and pop awake guess who I was calling for.

Climate Alarmist Regulations

Okay let's be clear out of the gate, I'm an Anarcho-Capitalist and usually fall to the side of less or no regulation is best.  Recently though the New York Post ran an article saying that John Kerry's private jet usage in a year equaled 849 years of pollution from a wood-fired pizza oven.  This got me thinking about how hypocritical climate alarmists are and realizing we need to regulate them just as they want to regulate us, so let's get to it.

Foreign/overseas travel:

Should be conducted via sail boat, but not just any sail boat, it should be built entirely out of sustainably and ethically harvested materials.  That means no fiberglass, or metals as glass takes a lot of energy to make plus the resin used is petroleum based.  Steele is made in coal fired furnaces.  Iron, aluminium, copper, all require massive machines that run on diesel fuel to extract them from the ground plus there is all the hazardous run off from the mining and refining processes.  That leaves wood, reeds, or bamboo plus the sail should probably be made of bamboo fibers since cotton is kind of a resource hog too.  These boats/ships should absolutely NOT be equipped with a generator, or air-conditioning, wind turbines can charge batteries for navigation and food refrigeration but beyond that I really see no use for power.  Now I realize that this kind of ship lacks a lot of amenities but these people also want us to lack a lot of amenities and what is good for the commoner is good for the gentry.

Regular and domestic travel:

Local should be by bicycle.  Why a bicycle?  For starters they want all of us to have to use them.  A bicycle is a very efficient means of transport that requires little specialized maintenance and removes these alarmists SUVs from the road as they are so invested in us not having them.

Beyond let's go with 15 miles or 24 kilometers they need to use the absolute cheapest electric car made.  "Why the cheapest Maura?"  Because we can't all afford a Tesla and they need to live like a commoner.  I could allow domestic train travel though as most of the world is set up for this better than the United States is, BUT they must travel with the rest of the passengers absolutely NO private coaches even if they pay for all the seats in a regular coach I really don't care if they have to sit next to a colicky baby for three days, or wonder if the night car has bed bugs, they travel the same as they want everyone else to travel.

Accommodations:

They shall only be allowed to stay in group hostels, no individual room, no fancy hotel or motel.  If there is no hostel in the area then they can stay at the lowest priced hotel/motel within 15 miles/24 kilometers distance of their arrival point.

Clothes:

Their clothes must be made of organically grown natural fibers.  No rayon, no polyester, no pvc, nothing that has to be drilled or mined, or heavily processed shall be in their wardrobe and everything must be fair trade.

Homes:

Must be tiny, like say under 750 square feet or 67 square meters.  They must be built with no power tools, and out of sustainably harvested material, no concrete, brick, tile, or composites--except electrical insulation.  They must be painted with non fossil originated material, no carpet--I'd allow wool carpet, but many of these people are anti animal products too.  Heat must be permanently set to no more than 65F/18c heating must come from a mix of passive solar and generated on site power.  No air-conditioning as they are typically anti air-conditioning.  Hot water must come from a hot water solar collector no fueled water heaters.  All power must come from on site wind turbines and stored in iron-air batteries.  No grid tie in at all ever!

Disposable products:

Nope, not allowed.

Food:

Must be local grown.  Must be fair trade.  Must be organic--conventional food uses petrochemical fertilizers.  Must not be a water hogging plant even if grown local--almonds are a massive water user and we typically grow them in the dessert we call California.  I'd allow GMO sources but those typically don't meet organic guidelines.  No meat of any kind if they push vegetarianism, veganism, or eating bugs.  When traveling they can eat whatever local food, from a locally owned--seriously if the owner is not on site it is not local for this purpose--cafe or diner is within walking distance of their hostel.

Punishment for violations of these regulations:

If they push for wealth transfer then all of their wealth shall be transferred evenly amongst all the homeless shelters within their state or country.  If they do not push for wealth transfer or have already had theirs transferred then they must be sentenced to 320 hours of community service working with the local waste water collection agency cleaning clogged sewage drains.  When they have logged 320 hours of clog clearing they may return to their normal life.  Subsequent violations shall double the time and clearing drains each time they occur.  So 320 hours first offense, second offense 640 hours, third offense 1280 hours and so forth.

Now you will notice I never mention solar cells in this and that is because solar cells use a lot of rare Earth minerals that have a very damaging impact on the environment and are usually mined in really abhorrent conditions.  To be fair to the third world where these exotic minerals tend to come from we should really abstain from using them as much as humanly possible.

So why am I so hard on these people?  Because this is what they proselytize to the masses yet they fly all over the world in private jets, drive around with an entourage in SUVs, leave and return to palatial housing that is posh, climate controlled luxury, all while wearing designer clothes, designer shoes, and eating at the most glamorous establishments.  What they preach is what they should be living.

"We are the carbon they want to reduce!"

--Author unknown (or at least a search did not turn them up)

7-2-2023

Here we are in Independence Day weekend.  Some of you will be like me and work Monday while others won't return until Wednesday.  I've been down some rabbit holes lately...deep, dark, messy, rabbit holes, and whilst there I have learned a lot.

I have learned that my former girl friend (and to an extent Once Wife) has some very narcissistic tendencies--I'm not a psychiatrist so no diagnosis from me.  I've learned narcissism is a very different thing than most people think.  Everyone assumes it is extreme love of self, but it isn't and in many cases the narcissist loathes themselves.  Apparently there must be a narcissism playbook because the traits to the illness are fairly universal:

Using the silent treatment as punishment for any infraction or just because.

Now if you have been following me for a while you know that back in August of 2022 she began shutting down on me at random sometimes for days at a time.  I was told at a point "when you try to contact me before I'm ready I feel you are disrespecting my boundaries."  Hold up!  My biggest and most well defined boundary is don't go silent on me; does that not deserve respect?  Also for a boundary to exist it must be delineated ahead of time not suddenly erected and enacted.

A narcissist knows they are hurting you, they know what is abusive, they just don't care.

When I learned this I instantly thought of her telling me "I know silence hurts you" and yet she continued.

Narcissists are pathological liars

Oh could I give you a massive list on this one between things told to me, and things that if you follow her long enough you see in her feed "things that obviously did not happen."  At a point I built her website, and her blog so I have pretty heavily scraped her feeds across several social media platforms and as such I know there are a lot of inconsistencies.  She also likes to tell people "don't talk to them" this should have been a red-flag, but by the time you get it she has painted the other person as crazy and herself as the victim of said craziness...so I ignored it, but it is a narcissist's way of keeping their stories from being compared by different victims--I know several people have been told I am crazy and don't talk to me because they in fact suddenly stopped talking to me after years of communicating with me.

Narcissists are impeccable dressers but lack personal hygiene

Watch selfies and you realize this one especially selfies that are only a day or two apart.  Pay attention to the conditions around her like how clean the mirror is, or the floor around them.  and that's all I will say on her.  My mom also falls into this category as it was lucky if she showered twice a week and whatever you do don't get me going about how disgusting her house is.

They will play their supplies against each other.

This has happened several times over the course of knowing her and before she solidly committed to me.  I assumed she was keeping her options open for an escape though.  It just so happens her job and boss are the current supply, but there is probably another victim already being groomed.

They won't let you go and will continue to watch you as a potential resupply

The bouncing back in is commonly refereed to as hoovering.  Apparently the only way out of a relationship with this kind of person is to ignore them, cut all contact with them, and move on.  If you can create a successful life, and attain your own personal goals, without them while having them closed out is supposed to be your best revenge.

Gas lighting, blame shifting, and manipulating

It doesn't matter what the issue is it will be swung around to being your fault.  "I don't think we will work romantically, too much has happened in the last year."  This statement from her was an attempt to swing everything she caused back onto me, it did not work because my first thought was "girl, everything from this last year was caused by your actions."  I did everything I felt I should, down to sending her flowers every month for six months straight.  I carefully selected her Valentine's Day stuff and no I didn't buy the cheap candy assortment but sent full size candy bars that I knew she liked, along with special coffee, a hand made card, a hand written letter, a necklace that matched her eyes, etc plus two dozen roses!  We actually had an argument that was all about how she had no time for Valentine's day the day before it, I got an apology on Valentine's day and then silence, but she was posting on a hidden/secret to me social media account on the 15th while I worried about her--I found out about the account from a friend when they stumbled across it and a risqué image of her...the exchange was awkward for me to say the least.

I read this from a therapist:

"Manipulation is when they blame you for your toxic behavior, but never discuss their disrespect that triggered you."

A narcissist will discard you abruptly and with no remorse

Tell me about it!  I got nothing over the holidays, nothing at Valentines, or my birthday--seriously all I wanted was a hand drawn card as she was supposed to visit in December or January and be here in June.  I did get a 20 plus minute phone call on my birthday with several "I love you"s, but no discussion on getting here and two weeks later it all finished falling apart.

Trauma bonding is why you can't let go

Apparently argue, and shower love is a cycle as they only thrive in chaos.  ("The quickest way to get me to do anything is flattery and the implication that the world will go into entropy and chaos if I don't do it."--her words August 31, 2018) The problem for the victim is this creates a trauma bond, and makes it hard to just let go of them--if you remember it took a pretty damning conversation with my mom to break that bond with her.  Knowing now how many lies have been told to me over the years is actually a big help with letting go, but it is by far, not easy.

Basically every key point for the disorder has been hit several times.  Apparently being an empath is what attracts narcissists and why my plan to just be alone is probably the best plan for me, rather than risk another in the string--mom, several other girlfriends, her.

I spent the better part of the last week basically shut down before God/The Universe/The Force sent me the first of a string of videos on the illness. The videos abruptly quit once I accepted the fact she appears to be a narcissist.  Now anytime I start to second guess myself more videos suddenly show up particularly ones that spell out "no contact" is the only way out...okay God, I get it.

Well, that's my piece for now.  I have things to do, prep work for for the next video to be recorded etc.

Thanks for listening,

Maura Out