7-16-2023

Well as I noted last week this a dated title so a personal blog post.

Yes I am still royally hacked off with God.  I am beginning to see how the ancient Greeks could attribute such nastiness to their gods.  I have always thought God is a practical joker because it explains so much like trans persons, chocolate tastes great but candy is bad for you and yet Brussels-sprouts taste like absolute garbage and are good for you, diabetics pretty much all have a sweet tooth yet sugar will kill us...you get the idea.  Now I'm just realizing like all practical jokers He has some severe mental issues and over all is just an ass.

I have asked for strength to walk away, to drive her from my mind, and yet she is still there.  I still cry myself to sleep.  Still dream of what could/should have been.  Still see shadows of the kids running through the yard--previous owner built this house and had no kids so they are not ghosts.  Still wish she had talked more and we would not be so far apart now.

Yes I still blame the job from Hell and her Asshole boss for all of this as she told me over and over that all of her time and energy was going into the job.  Note not her career, but her job, something she apparently does not realize are different things.  A lawyer has a career as a lawyer, their job is whatever firm they work for and if they leave "Go ahead and sue me" to go work for "They did what to you?!" their career is still the same, only the job changed.  My last words to her were to explain what I meant by "she does not need job but job needs her", that job needs her expertise, her massive follower count, her ability to turn concepts into beautiful prose, that she could do all of that on her own and be even more successful, but I apparently resent her career and that is reason enough to end us.  I knew and told her many times that most of our issues would/will clear up once she is up here, but she doubled down--hardening of Pharaoh's heart anyone?

Funny, I built her a website, built her blog, scraped and searched her twitter feed for threads and key words, scraped old Tumblr posts, and compiled them each week for her blog posts.  Took those scrapings and cleaned them up, corrected grammar from threaded tweets to long form posts, bounced them off of her and set them to post, but I resent her career.  That blog is the most likely thing to have gotten her the job, but look at who got thrown away and accused of resenting.  I stayed silent about all of this until recently, but the world deserves the truth.  I offered on many occasions to help her with things work related, but seldom was that taken up beyond explaining concepts that the job's IT department could not explain to her because they obviously didn't understand the subjects themselves--funny that her boss supposedly has 40 years in IT but can't explain anything IT.

"If you can't explain something simply you obviously don't understand the subject well enough." --Albert Einstein

I have been given many signs of late:

"She regrets the choice of leaving"

"She can't stop thinking about you"

"She has been acting like she doesn't care, but is staying up at night thinking of me, and wanting to be with me, but feels it is too late now."

"She is acting like she is gone but is checking my social media regularly."

"She want's to reach out and fix the mess but doesn't know where to start"

"She want's to contact but fears rejection" 

 "There is a third party involved on her end, a family member or close friend who does not approve of you and she is confused and torn between them and you"

Great!  Have her call me!  I won't reject her.  I won't rebuke her.  I have told her many times that I accept her as she is and that includes misunderstandings as we are both different and express things differently.  It was just a simple misunderstanding.  Yes it could have been quickly cleared up if she had spoken up at the get go instead of going silent, but to me love is stronger than words and loyalty means all.  I have been ever loyal to her and her coming back shows loyalty to me.

I know, there is a chance that my venting won't help but I sat in silence and only got silence back.  She can't outwardly say anything about this or she outs herself.  So the worst that happens is nothing changes and she doesn't speak to me.  If she want's me to stop then she can talk things through instead of "too much has happened in the last year for us to be romantic" as I have said before what happened was from her end not mine.

In other news I have an appointment to be interviewed for the next installment of Who's Who on Wednesday evening 7-19-2023.  I have been told that this is better than a verified tick/check/badge on social media, so maybe this could be good, but I won't get my hopes up too soon--funny if we were still together I guess she would count as my significant other.

I spent last Saturday night and a good chunk of Sunday with sever intestinal cramps that kept me awake most all night.  My back and belly were sore from them through Thursday.  As I've noted before when I'd manage to drift off I'd wake up calling for her.  Even though being sick on Sunday I still managed to remove the mower's deck clutch, and install the new one, then mow the yard--what am I supposed to do it's just me here.

During the day Saturday I managed to clear out a corner of my living/dining room--yep one big room *insert eye-roll here*--where my youngest had set up camp and lay claim to the area almost two years ago....a lot of trash and packing later and I have a clean corner now.  I plan to clean some each evening and weekend unit I have the house purged and cleaned, maybe I'll do a crib tour then and cover what is in the planning stages to be upgraded, removed, and added, basically a preview of Maura the Maker episodes to come in the future.

Over all how am I doing?  Good question, some would say "I'm a hot mess", some "a spicy disaster".  However if you look at my life from the inside; I do okayish at work, and fall apart on the way home.  I basically cry everyday once I park the truck before I can manage to go check the usually empty mail box, grab my lunch box from the truck, and head inside, some evenings I'll roam the yard and complain to God, try and get Him to give me some answers, try to get Him to understand that I know what I want and what I need, and telling Him to stop being an ass to me and help fix the mess between me and her.  Once inside I usually lose an hour, but have trouble figuring out where it went.  Saying I am depressed would probably be the easiest thing to say though.

I'm still buying Mega-millions tickets just because it is a hope, maybe I can get enough to get my shop running, maybe I could hit the jackpot and then she'd be willing to come home--I have no shame on that.  So long as I don't spend more than $4 a week I figure it isn't hurting anything really.

I'm trying to stick to my plan going forward that I set down not long ago but right now it is kind of hard to stick to it, but I'm trying.

Victim 18 is back from the proof reader so I need to upload the edited text and then set it to live and start it selling.  Next will be the audio book format and that will take a lot of time to do--I was hoping she would help me on that as she has an audio engineering background but one more thing I have to do myself now.

Space Trucker still needs it's audio edits but is recorded.  Weather permitting I may get Space Jump recorded soon too but I should probably finish partial projects first--ADD, it's a thing.

Well I guess that sums up my week and how I am mentally, spiritually, and physically, thanks for listening and letting me vent.

Maura out