Here we are in Independence Day weekend. Some of you will be like me and work Monday while others won't return until Wednesday. I've been down some rabbit holes lately...deep, dark, messy, rabbit holes, and whilst there I have learned a lot.
I have learned that my former girl friend (and to an extent Once Wife) has some very narcissistic tendencies--I'm not a psychiatrist so no diagnosis from me. I've learned narcissism is a very different thing than most people think. Everyone assumes it is extreme love of self, but it isn't and in many cases the narcissist loathes themselves. Apparently there must be a narcissism playbook because the traits to the illness are fairly universal:
Using the silent treatment as punishment for any infraction or just because.
Now if you have been following me for a while you know that back in August of 2022 she began shutting down on me at random sometimes for days at a time. I was told at a point "when you try to contact me before I'm ready I feel you are disrespecting my boundaries." Hold up! My biggest and most well defined boundary is don't go silent on me; does that not deserve respect? Also for a boundary to exist it must be delineated ahead of time not suddenly erected and enacted.
A narcissist knows they are hurting you, they know what is abusive, they just don't care.
When I learned this I instantly thought of her telling me "I know silence hurts you" and yet she continued.
Narcissists are pathological liars
Oh could I give you a massive list on this one between things told to me, and things that if you follow her long enough you see in her feed "things that obviously did not happen." At a point I built her website, and her blog so I have pretty heavily scraped her feeds across several social media platforms and as such I know there are a lot of inconsistencies. She also likes to tell people "don't talk to them" this should have been a red-flag, but by the time you get it she has painted the other person as crazy and herself as the victim of said craziness...so I ignored it, but it is a narcissist's way of keeping their stories from being compared by different victims--I know several people have been told I am crazy and don't talk to me because they in fact suddenly stopped talking to me after years of communicating with me.
Narcissists are impeccable dressers but lack personal hygiene
Watch selfies and you realize this one especially selfies that are only a day or two apart. Pay attention to the conditions around her like how clean the mirror is, or the floor around them. and that's all I will say on her. My mom also falls into this category as it was lucky if she showered twice a week and whatever you do don't get me going about how disgusting her house is.
They will play their supplies against each other.
This has happened several times over the course of knowing her and before she solidly committed to me. I assumed she was keeping her options open for an escape though. It just so happens her job and boss are the current supply, but there is probably another victim already being groomed.
They won't let you go and will continue to watch you as a potential resupply
The bouncing back in is commonly refereed to as hoovering. Apparently the only way out of a relationship with this kind of person is to ignore them, cut all contact with them, and move on. If you can create a successful life, and attain your own personal goals, without them while having them closed out is supposed to be your best revenge.
Gas lighting, blame shifting, and manipulating
It doesn't matter what the issue is it will be swung around to being your fault. "I don't think we will work romantically, too much has happened in the last year." This statement from her was an attempt to swing everything she caused back onto me, it did not work because my first thought was "girl, everything from this last year was caused by your actions." I did everything I felt I should, down to sending her flowers every month for six months straight. I carefully selected her Valentine's Day stuff and no I didn't buy the cheap candy assortment but sent full size candy bars that I knew she liked, along with special coffee, a hand made card, a hand written letter, a necklace that matched her eyes, etc plus two dozen roses! We actually had an argument that was all about how she had no time for Valentine's day the day before it, I got an apology on Valentine's day and then silence, but she was posting on a hidden/secret to me social media account on the 15th while I worried about her--I found out about the account from a friend when they stumbled across it and a risqué image of her...the exchange was awkward for me to say the least.
I read this from a therapist:
"Manipulation is when they blame you for your toxic behavior, but never discuss their disrespect that triggered you."
A narcissist will discard you abruptly and with no remorse
Tell me about it! I got nothing over the holidays, nothing at Valentines, or my birthday--seriously all I wanted was a hand drawn card as she was supposed to visit in December or January and be here in June. I did get a 20 plus minute phone call on my birthday with several "I love you"s, but no discussion on getting here and two weeks later it all finished falling apart.
Trauma bonding is why you can't let go
Apparently argue, and shower love is a cycle as they only thrive in chaos. ("The quickest way to get me to do anything is flattery and the implication that the world will go into entropy and chaos if I don't do it."--her words August 31, 2018) The problem for the victim is this creates a trauma bond, and makes it hard to just let go of them--if you remember it took a pretty damning conversation with my mom to break that bond with her. Knowing now how many lies have been told to me over the years is actually a big help with letting go, but it is by far, not easy.
Basically every key point for the disorder has been hit several times. Apparently being an empath is what attracts narcissists and why my plan to just be alone is probably the best plan for me, rather than risk another in the string--mom, several other girlfriends, her.
I spent the better part of the last week basically shut down before God/The Universe/The Force sent me the first of a string of videos on the illness. The videos abruptly quit once I accepted the fact she appears to be a narcissist. Now anytime I start to second guess myself more videos suddenly show up particularly ones that spell out "no contact" is the only way out...okay God, I get it.
Well, that's my piece for now. I have things to do, prep work for for the next video to be recorded etc.
Thanks for listening,
Maura Out
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