6-28-2023

Well girl-friend did talk a tiny bit over the last two evenings, apparently my venting about how her job is abusive to her, and disrespectful of her kids, and how her boss is an asshole, is a major issue--maybe if she had not shut down on me I wouldn't have needed to vent:

"You made it clear you resent my career and you want me back to the way I was when everything in my life was working against me. That hurts me."

Now she knows full well I planned a portion of my shop building to be her office to be exact 12 feet by 14 feet of the building, so no small space.  Basically me feeling she needs a more respectful of her job was/is resenting her career....I can't make this make sense.

I explained my meaning but in the end she doesn't "know if we will work out in a romantic relationship."  I guess the job means more to her than I do after all.  A job that is on one coast while she is on the other and expects her to accommodate their time of day for meetings etc.  A job that offers no insurance plan, and so little pay she can barely afford her child's braces.  A job that pays so little she can't afford to move out of the house of the person who tried to kill her four years ago--seriously how does this make any sense as I can't see it.

A friend tells me I should try and make friends and see where it goes.  Maybe find someone to date...no, it always ends up the same way.  As a refugee from Hell I have too much baggage, then add my mental issues, and I can't put myself out there again.  She was my last hope at not being alone anymore and she keeps telling me I deserve better than her--better...is that possible?

Once Wife spent most of our marriage isolating herself from me and pushing big wedges between me and our kids.  Now girl-friend has done the same she spent too long being butt hurt instead of talking, because I wanted better for her than an asshole boss that would instantly call her and chew her out to tears because I teased her on the public timeline about her leaving a timezone off a time critical post that was in her own personal feed--yep it happened.  Her job needs her, she does not need the job to do what she does.  She has the drive, the knowledge base, the connections, the followers, to do what she does and do it better without her employer.

So now I am alone forever, just me, my baggage, 1,400 sqft of house, and an acre of yard that is quickly turning into a mini-park, and the dust bunnies, to remind me I am alone until I die...I hope that event is soon.  I will try to turn more inward, stay home as much as possible, and just avoid people now.  It is clear to me now that much like my mom didn't want me neither does anyone else.