June 26, 2023

It has been a week.  It started with her asking publicly for forgiveness,

I redacted even though this is a public post out of respect for her.
I don't know why she deleted the original post and I could have used it as I have it but I'll respect her wish to delete it.

and that for obvious reasons lead me to believe she is regretting her choices, but silence persisted until Wednesday when she did admit she is not mad at me.  Then back to silence.

The big thing is I've never been mad at her, her actions upset me and y'all know that by my venting, but I've never been mad at her--had I been I'd have probably nuked her and trust me I could, but I am sure neither of us want a flame war with the other.  Yes I still want her, I still love her deeply, and most likely always will.  The only action of her's I have trouble forgiving or moving past is her use of silence as she knows to me it is abusive.

I think I have worked out the final reason for everything going silent though and it has more to do with her than with me.   A few things lead me to believe that the main issue for the silence is the very same person who just four years ago tried to kill her, and being unsuccessful at that tried to take her kids from her--tell me again why she won't leave the state she is in, and what hold does this person have over her that keeps her there?  I have brought this up and gotten no response so I am pretty sure I am correct as had this assumption been wrong she would have corrected me.

I have reminded her that I am willing to drive to her, pick her and the kids up, and bring her home--32 hours total behind the wheel for me so no small sacrifice on my part.  It would mean she has to abandon a lot of stuff but it is just stuff after all.  The big thing is, there is almost no one who actually knows where I live and I do live in a rather large metropolitan area, so to me that is a layer of safety as she would be nearly un-find-able for a while at least.  She could lay low long enough to get her thoughts and legal affairs in order anyways.  She knows I have space and she knows I do not expect anything of her beyond helping around here as she adjusts to life here as I even have a separate place for her to sleep--yep I do not expect her to sleep with me.

I mentioned last time that I am pretty sure Once Wife is a lost cause and she proved it by slipping that her and the ex-son in law are talking about buying a house together...yeah.  Need I mention now why Buttercup lives with her?  (Yes I am fully aware of the fact that I live in a Jerry Springer episode)  I have a name for him but I'll cut it down to initials FA he is the reason my marriage finally imploded almost 10 years ago and why after agreeing to marital counseling when we moved she opted out of it.  No the implosion had absolutely nothing to do with my friend turned girlfriend.  The final straws were his presence and her falling for him and his lies--this is part of why I do not regularly talk about my oldest daughter.  Add in that she has returned to no longer seeing a therapist--I've had 15 years of that myself--and has pretty much cut communication off again and I am sure she is a lost cause.

I got reminded very enthusiastically overnight by my sub-conscious that I live alone and shouldn't--three different Phd level psychologists have told me that--by night terrors twice and both times crying out the girlfriend's name, but obviously no one answered.  I have memories I do not wish upon anyone and terrors from childhood that I'm glad most have never experienced.

I got in the truck Monday and sat on my phone breaking the screen, got it repaired Wednesday and dropped it on Saturday while getting ready to burn brush.  So two new screens in a week 😳 I have a super duper phone case arriving today.

Saturday when I got back from the repair shop found me burning brush again, 95F/35C with high humidity.  I opted for a one piece swimsuit due to the heat and by the time I finished I looked like I had just got out of a pool--sorry no pics as the phone was down, maybe next time ;-)

I'm back to buying lottery tickets two a week so $4 it's about the only hope I have now--beyond living a very short life.  Maybe with enough money girlfriend would feel safe enough to leave there.  At worst I'd know what rich and alone feels like compared to this.  Money is about my only advocate now as no one has ever advocated for me.

Thanks for listening,

Maura out