The yard...amoung other things

Updates from the yard and some venting as this is the only place I  have to vent from.

From Saturday:

The yard is mowed

More logs from the blown out tree top are stacked--I tend to take an evening or two through the week and log them out.

Lunch is eaten--nothing fancy just Ramen

Time to burn more brush & limbs--I managed to burn a large pile of juniper limbs that have been piled up since putting the roof on three years ago...😳  The problem is I found some I missed afterward 🙄 not much but frustrating, oh well I have plenty yet to burn this Summer.

I realized while mowing that my front yard is not much bigger than a typical subdivision backyard & most of my acre is actually in my backyard!

When I finally have the yard cleaned up, de-brushed, and actual grass growing, I'll have my own mini park--I wish her and the kids were here to share it, but I'll maintain it as best I can as I age and the memories of what could have been will haunt me until I die.

Saturday evening I was tired and lonely.  She has been on my mind a lot of late and honestly that isn't helping my depression.  It hasn't been three months yet since she backed out of coming and decided that ghosting me was a good idea.  I'm not sure how long it will take to get over her regardless of how I rationalize things or look for reasons to be upset with her--there aren't many reasons really.

I just wish she was here 😭

Saturday's dinner was stupid simple, re fried beans, some shredded cheese, chips, and some cornflakes for dessert.  I had a movie playing just for sound but really couldn't get into it.

The evening left me thinking through my life, & how I am where I am.  Once Wife although talking to me will probably never be more than a distant friend at this point--she lives seven hours away.  As I pointed out in my last post there is a lot of baggage behind us and when you add in she still talks to my mother--who still lies through her teeth--it makes returning to what was, pretty much impossible.

I still don't know what snapped last August and why the then girlfriend decided to become distant and in the end why she bailed on us, but here I am. I have my blame to lay but it doesn't fix things...only she can do that and the door is still open for her to do so.  One thing I will say is I hope Karma is not nice to her boss.  I genuinely wish him a long, healthy, life, in a cardboard box somewhere, alone, and forgotten, because with the damage he has caused for me it is what he deserves--it is ironic that the first part of his twitter handle rhymes with asshole.

If for some reason you talk to her and our accounts do not line up, just ask me as I have every DM, text, email, and picture that has ever gone between us archived--have a childhood where truth was ignored and you are always accused of lying and you learn to keep everything for proof that you are not lying.

So what was she like before the job?  She was kind, caring, loving, a beautiful soul, and drop dead gorgeous!  I felt I'd won the lottery with her, and that the sins of my own past had finally been forgiven.  I felt I had a chance at a new life with someone who had a lot of similar interests to my own.  Whose kids are amazing and again overlap a lot of my own interests let alone I've known them most of their lives.  When she agreed to move here I was the most elated person on the planet.

Now, I'm lonely, empty, and again abandoned.  I won't look for anyone else.  I will remain a hermit at my house, only going out for supplies, and work, I doubt I'll travel beyond the occasional trip to see my grand-daughter.  What trust I started to have in humanity by finding her is now gone and I am not looking to fix that trust as it has only ever lead me right where I am now...ghosted.  I once heard a man say "I long for the relief that death will bring" I lived with that feeling for years before she agreed to move here, and now I pray for that relief many times a day.

Maura Out