A year ago today (June 9th) my Once Wife (OW) drove away from my house. I didn't have time to feel lonely, and there was no point in feeling sad as for nearly a decade prior our marriage had already almost fully imploded to the point we hadn't even slept in the same bed in a couple of years. In ways our marriage was doomed from the beginning as we both had very over-bearing mothers who were yanking us around and feeding us VERY toxic lies about each other.
My mom was constantly telling me OW was running around on me. That she trapped me by getting pregnant. That my first daughter & son were not mine but someone else's--yes there is an older daughter--mother of my grand-daughter--I do not normally talk about out of respect for her wishes.
OW's mom was constantly threatening to take our kids away. There was a lot more from her too and some I still am not fully aware of I'm sure as OW has not always told me everything. It was because of the threats to take my daughter and son that we wound up living with my in-laws.
The day before we found out about OW being pregnant I had received my acceptance letter from UCLA school of Architecture and Design I had applied there and to MIT as ways of getting out of where we were as even then I knew our families were toxic--I got the acceptance from MIT three days after learning about the pregnancy...I never finished college, and until not long ago I had not told OW about those letters because they were worth about as much as for me at the time as the paper they were printed on.
About this time eleven years ago I met a wonderful person on twitter. She was kind, caring, and we vented to each other regularly, I spent hours during a holiday season talking her out of killing herself. We became the best of friends. Two years ago she went from girl-friend to girlfriend as our marriages were both about done--or so it seemed. About a year and a half ago she took a remote job which was fine as we had already talked and planned for her to join me here--if you follow this blog and my twitter you know how that fell out.
So I spent last Summer buying new dishes, as she likes fancy serving sets and being a trained chef I'm fine with those too. So I slowly bought a nice set-up. I got some stuff to help her and her kids adjust to a new place--like Minecraft sheets and blankets--not a lot of stuff, but a few things. By August my world began to fall apart.
I don't know exactly what snapped in her, but she changed overnight and I still blame the job from Hell and her asshole boss--oddly her estranged husband and mom both have the exact same opinion of him according to her so it is not just my perception. We went from texting multiple times a day to "do we have to talk all the time" and from semi-regular phone calls to the phone not being answered and at times being blocked. The timing of all of this lines up almost exactly with the addition of other duties from the job. The kind and caring woman I knew is now gone by Christmas.
From August to October my mom was in fairly constant communication with me (like at least an hour plus call everyday) and guess what? All the things she had lied about with OW were now aimed at the girlfriend--there was absolutely no way they had ever met or talked.
By October I was fairly consistently ignored by my girlfriend and was consistently debating walking into the side of a moving freight train--not hard as they pass behind the house regularly. It was the middle of October that my mom dropped the revelation that if it were not for my dad I'd have been aborted. During the same conversation I learned that she gave my inheritance money from my grandmother to my brother--enough money to have completely built my shop, tooled it, and done some repairs on my house, or paid off my car! I have not spoken to her since and my depression has slowly lifted to the point that when the girlfriend told me she was not moving up in March I did not want to die.
So we are up to the last two posts, progress is moving along and this weekend I should be shooting two or three "Cooking with Maura" episodes of the 12 I want in the can before they start going up for everyone to watch. If you wonder why I want 12 ahead, that's to cover recording equipment failure, meal attempt failure, me getting sick, granddaughter visiting and I don't have time to record, and so on. Also this weekend I should start doing the audio recordings of some of my stories--Space Trucker will be first.
So a year mostly alone has lead me to some very dark places, and yet has shown me a new path as well. OW and I are actually talking regularly for the first time in a very long time--neither of us really know where that is going right now, but we are at least back to being the best friends we were for years. We are both learning where we began to drift apart and what caused it from both sides. In the end we can at least still be friends and considering she has been a near constant in my life for almost 36 years that is a good thing.
My job is going good as near as I can tell--the boss has had few complaints of late so I guess I am doing okay. I am just over a year there and I have a pretty good idea of what my legacy crew is capable of and we are looking to expand it by 50% over the next month.
I'm planning to start posting a YouTube short or two each week as I build up my videos, but the shorts will be rapid cooking things like my dinner last night that literally took in total less than 10 minutes to make.
I'd still like to know exactly why the girlfriend snapped last year. Why she felt ghosting me and yet stalking my feed for reasons to be mad at me was a good idea in her head. Why by Christmas had communication pretty much shut down to the point I never did get a pick of her in the hoodie I sent her--yeah a hoodie so not even risque.
Do I still love her? Yes. Would I still have her here? Yes, but I would have to have answers and assurances. I'd have to know what shut her down last year--if she is even sure. I'd have to know who was feeding her lies or misinformation about me--I have an idea because as soon as I blocked them on twitter her sub-tweets stopped. I'd still be willing to drive down and get the three of them, but again assurances; like overnighting their passports and documents to me before I'd agree to come. All of this said she would have to reach out to me, she has my address, my emails, etc, all she has to do is reach out but I doubt she ever will. I still have moments where I expect to find her on my porch when I get home. Oddly enough by now I could have put them on my health insurance as domestic partner had she been here when she originally agreed to; the excuse given was she had to put stuff on hold because of her job--see why I blame the job and the asshole boss now? If you communicate with her and she needs my address I have a few people I would trust to pass it on such as (first names are all that are needed) Scott, Mark, Rick, Maggie, Drew, all of which can reach me via DM on twitter.
So in a month I will have been alone here a full year as that is when my youngest daughter moved out. Where will this next year take me? I have an idea as I can see the destination but the path is not completely visible at this time. For now it is a blend of day job and side hustles, and hopefully the side hustles will earn enough to reinvest into itself and grow to being my sole income.
I know a lot of this is probably repeat but it is my only real way to vent anything at this point.
Maura out
Update:
Space trucker is recorded, the sound is good but I need to edit the flubs out.
I reached out to her and again blatant silence was all I got. So the woman I fell in love with is truly gone. She has been replaced with someone who cares more for laser printers and thermisters than love & friendship.
Yes I feel kind of empty inside, I hate losing and especially when I can't see why.
Two videos managed to be recorded over the weekend and one may end up as a short because I forgot just how fast Alfredo sauce is to make.
Maura out...again
No comments:
Post a Comment