As much as I see her for what she is or appears to be--the more I learn the more I question--hearing bands on the radio--yay nothing but 80's weekend--that I know she likes while slowly cleaning out a section of my living room is rough.
I have to remind myself that she is the one who took words out of context, and believed I resented her career. That she chose to go no contact when I'd vent publicly about how bad her job is to her and how it is disrespectful of the kids--public was all I had because the job was eating all of her time and she couldn't find the needed time for us to talk as we should have been doing in increasing amounts as she was supposed to move up here last August--which of course caused me to be more depressed and lash out at her job more, which caused her to shut down more. I had no idea what was happening in this self feeding circle because rather than talk to me, and explain that my words hurt her and how--so we could discuss the problem--she went silent. Maybe there is some childhood trauma that makes that hard for her but I have never jumped down her throat about anything. She decided without warning to set a boundary on not contacting her before she was ready, and as I have stated before for a boundary to be observed it has to be clear and delineated before hand, so this sudden boundary rightfully dug deep into me and caused me a lot of pain.
I'd have and honestly still would do almost anything for her and the kids, but she chose to throw it all away and stay living with a woman who has tried to kill her not all that long ago. I was right that ultimately it is the job at fault as she chose it over my love and acceptance of her and the kids as they are, and a stable home free of the physical and mental abuse as well as the constant fear of being killed. A stable home that would give her more time to pursue her career to the point as I have mentioned before she knows I have an office planned for her in a section of my shop. I accepted her kids as my "bonus kids" some time ago, I had already told her multiple times I will raise them as my own. I have told her I have no problem with her traveling for her job and having the kids with me--I've known them most all of their lives after all. Instead what June should have marked as an eleven year relationship marked what appears to be an end between us and I'm left now to reassemble my life from a massive pile of Legos with no instructions and no help all because I love her and I ultimately wanted better for her and the kids than she is getting.
I have to remind myself that I did nothing wrong. This is not my fault.
I did not tell her to get butt hurt over what to me were legit actions and reactions--we are both autistic so perception is probably skewed on both ends. I tried many, many, many, times to get her to engage, tell me what was bothering her, to talk this through, but rather than talk to me she choose silence and distance. At bedtime I'd ask "how was your day?" she could have said: "Well your tweet about...really bothers me. Why did you say that?" From there things could have been worked out quickly and an offending tweet or post here could have been deleted that evening.
To some it may seem funny but I'd still be willing to talk this through with her. I'm still willing to have them here. I had to block her on every platform because she kept popping up in my feeds or in the "you should follow...because X follows" but she chose no contact and the constant algorithmic barrage makes it harder to stay in a good head-space. If she is reading this and wants to talk she has my phone number, if she does not--much like needing my address--there are people I trust to pass it through (again first names only and all can DM me on twitter): Scott, Maggie, Andy, Neon, Drew, Em.
Maura out
An addition as I started writing the above on 7-8-23
I spent most of the night awake with intestinal cramps. When I would fall asleep and pop awake guess who I was calling for.
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