Its been a bit so a personal set of updates, a bit of venting, and answering some questions I get asked regularly.
How am I doing?
This question is sort of loaded as it varies from day to day and sometimes from hour to hour. Overall I am okay. I have points where I am very down, but I can’t really say there are opposite points like exuberant. Not that I don’t have some happiness, but usually it is when I am with my kids or Buttercup. I have not felt so bad as to want to self delete as I was before telling the former girlfriend to get lost, so that alone is an improvement.
I now have a name for what caused that madness and it is a trauma bond. Apparently I am going through the equivalent of breaking a chemical addiction as that is how the brain wires it to receptors in itself. The absolute simplest terms to describe a trauma bond is punishment and reward; such as go silent for days, then pop back all nice and throw in an “I love you” or “I didn’t mean to make you cry”–maybe that wasn’t meant but the deed was done just the same.
I am slowly becoming learned in narcissistic personality disorder. (I am not diagnosing, only seeing the matching patterns. I am not qualified to actually diagnose, but the patterns do explain a lot!)
I have learned her tactic of telling people not to talk to each other and especially about her is a common control tactic of narcissists. The reason they do this is narrative control as they do not want their victims discussing things and in the end comparing notes so they see the lies because then they lose all of their supply at once–yes they use people like a drug. I have seen two others she did this to, and both have gone silent and left twitter where we all knew each other and talked via DM and directly via text regularly. I now see this as control as opposed to “he got weird” which I accepted at face value not knowing the truth is she did the same to them that she did to me.
To all three of us there was also an insidious tactic known as future faking, where a future plan is given or agreed to then not carried out–such as moving to be with someone. I’ve had three people do this to me regularly in my life now and the first two set me up for the last one. (Yes three different people and considering that up to 15% of the population–roughly 50 million people in the U.S. alone–potentially have this disorder you can see how I could have three.)
Gas lighting was an issue as well by all three, being told they never said something that they did, or that I am remembering things that did not happen, or not remembering things that did. Basically rewriting history on me and insisting their versions were the truth–funny with one of those people the conversations were almost entirely in text format so easy to prove and I will keep all of that backed up in multiple places as long as I possibly can.
I seriously pray that no one ever falls for her or her manipulative tactics again as no one deserves to go through the literal Hell I have and am going through. Although her last lie to me did make telling her to get lost easier as I was accused of sending emails about her to her boss–note no subject or context as I was never given any, guess that makes the lie easier if it has no context, and I really do despise her boss so why would I email him? Eventually Karma will catch up to her.
For me I have learned that unless “I love you” is said by Buttercup or my kids it really means “I want to hurt you, and I’ll do it viciously!” At this point two of the three people in my life that acted this way are blocked at every possible point of accessing me including here if the system works as I have read it should. As for the third person they are truly trying to heal and do not fit the categories of being a narcissist–their mother did hence some mimic behaviors.
How is my weight loss going?
It was going okay then I had an insurance change, and the new insurance said they wouldn’t pay for my new diabetes med unless I tried the one I’ve been on for nearly 20 years first…seriously, I can’t make this up. So arguments between Doc and insurer ensued and I am back on the new med. I still have twenty-ish pounds to lose.
Do you dye your hair and what filters do you use?
No
This comes from me taking and posting a series of pictures a week after my 54th orbital anniversary–yes I really am a level 54 human. I really don’t have an inclination to dye my hair and if I did I’d probably go some weird/wild anime type of color i.e. really blue, pink, orange, something like really out there dude.
I’ve been told the outfit is “very sci-fi” “looks like it is from Final Fantasy” “whovian”. Personally I think it has circus ring-master vibes. The jacket and jumpsuit are actually from Temu and total the outfit is under $40. I love it, but it is a pain when needing to pee.
As to filters I do not use them (unless you see a black & white of me) nor do I photo-shop my images. I once wanted to be a professional photographer and I still study the old camera tricks of both stills and movies from before computer manipulation. Also most any image (not of me) I post can be bought from me just ask and we can work something out.
How are the videos and articles coming?
I lumped the two together here because the answer is basically the same. When I get down I lose an evening (or two) because I get home and suddenly it is bedtime. At points I make good headway then I spin my wheels in the mud a bit. I have two short stories in the works, and a couple articles in states of incompletion–I’d be a horrible lawyer because my writings move too slow–I have a video I need to stitch together, and an audio I really need to edit. Another issue is I lose four to six hours a week between laundry and yard work–my backyard alone is an entire acre!
Then we add the side of my life seldom seen such as:
My daughter was recently creepily sexually assaulted on her way home from work
My son has had surgery to remove a tumor from a gland in his neck and later this month has a tumor being removed from inside his brain. So he is out of work during all of this right when his busy season is taking off! Need I mention funds are a bit tight right now?
Then about every eight weeks I transport Buttercup up and two weeks later back from where she lives six hours one way from here.
How is work going?
I will be glad when things straighten up enough that I can be on my own…my weekend was plagued with texts and emails from tenants, crew members, etc. People are highly inconsiderate of a person’s down time and as a result I could not get my mind off of work on my days off.
How are the home repairs?
See the video and writing section. I may get a little headway though as the Once Wife will be up for our son’s surgery and through his recovery, so for about a month both will be at my house. This will allow me to do a few things that I would rather have anyone who can dial 911 around rather than do them alone–see I really am opposed to self deleting. The thing a lot of people do not get is my backyard went about 35 years without being mowed. I am still clearing honeysuckle shrubs, kudzu vines, Japanese knot-weed, and other random invasive foliage. Each year I spend my spring burning brush I cut the year before and on top of that is the dead trees that need felled, and the myriad of limbs from those and the deadwood the living trees drop.
The work on the shop will soon be picking back up but another issue is the former owner was a hoarder and would buy estate sale lots. As a result I am five years in and still throwing away a 96 gallon wheelie bin of household detritus each week that the weather is warm enough to let me load it up. The first section to go up will be where I will park the yard equipment and some shop storage. After that the shop proper begins! I am finally to a point where I should be able to afford to get this off the ground. I still have a lead on some quality vintage wood-shop equipment as well that will save me a buttload over buying new even if it needs some repairs or updates.
Cooking
Yes I am still playing with recipes. Since it is again warmer I am playing around with ice-cream in the sugar free format. I recently made an amazing mint chocolate chip that Buttercup really liked. The issue is getting the correct amount of spirits in it so it freezes but not so hard that you cannot scoop it–so far 3 tablespoons per quart is not quite enough. Once I have this worked out I will share the recipe.
Me and the bread machine are getting along. I have made a loaf with the right temperature water and it was much better. The current loaf has half again the yeast but I have not cut it open yet.
I have worked out that I can have tomatoes as they have no capsaicin. So chilies and peppers are my avoided foods and that is much easier to work around–try living without ketchup on that note, maybe I should share my ketchup recipe in an upcoming post? Yes, I make my own ketchup because I can make it sugar free.
For now I think that brings things up to date and well vented.
Maura out
“Three things can not be long hidden: the sun, the moon, the truth.”
—Buddha
