Let's look backwards through my year:
It opened on an odd note as I finished 2021 with a hopeful response from earlier in the year that Jobe would be coming to live with me and yet my Once Wife turned house mate had not left yet.
I had to put my Maura The Maker & Cooking With Maura projects on hold as I had to find a normal job--paychecks are better than no paycheck. This was a sad event for me as I'd of rather pursued my own employment and done the projects I desired.
Jobe gave me a major confirmation of arrival in January and I was on cloud nine.
February: I spent most of the month working forty plus hours a week applying for jobs plus teaching my grand-daughter.
March: I turned 52 to no applause and continued looking for employment. Interviews happened but nothing was turning up and I was getting desperate. Having been out of work to raise my grand-daughter became a bit of a hurdle. For some reason employers would rather steal employees from each other as opposed to hire someone reentering the workforce from raising a child.
April: With assistance from my former Director I landed a job in the first week of April--the job I'm in now.
May: I bought an old Ford Ranger halfway through the month...if you ever buy a vehicle from a dead person you will need an official death certificate, a bill of sale, a notarized statement of how the person you are conducting the transaction with has power of attorney to release the vehicle, then sales tax...trust me I learned the hard way and it took many trips to the DMV "great you have___,but you also need form___." To make it worse I bought the truck in one state and titled it in another...it was September by the time I had plates.
May also saw a packing frenzy as my once wife began packing what she was taking with her on her way out of state to her new job.
June: The first week saw the departure of the Once Wife (OW). What left with her and what was abandoned still makes no sense what so ever. (We get along better 7 hours apart than we have for the last 26 years of our 32 year marriage.)
June also saw the beginning of my current weight loss and so far I'm down 16 pounds/1 stone/7.25kg the closest guess an Md has given me puts me half way to my goal from April to now. If you are curious at my heaviest I was 287 Pounds and currently 198 so 89 pounds down over all by the time I'm at goal I'll have lost an entire person 😳
I bought some more one piece swimsuits in June and Jobe even told me I was "hot"--the only person to have ever told me that.
July: Was just busy and lonely as Jobe's job started eating all of their free time and they started going quiet--need I mention again that their job is abusive?
July also saw my daughter move out and across town (30 minutes away) so I am the epitome of empty nester right now.
August: Early on found me in high spirits until I found out Jobe was not arriving as planned--their job took up so much time they didn't manage to have time for us...my mood crashed and Jobe took on more work and went silent for quite a while. My mood tanked, dishes piled up. I was doing good to keep up the yard and laundry--washed yes, put away...no.
September: Is a fog but by then I thought Jobe was pushing me out of their life and wanted me gone.
October: Opened up briefly, I invited Jobe and their kids up for Thanksgiving. I actually went to see a friend's band play at October Fest. But by the end of the month I knew Jobe wouldn't be able to make a visit it do to extended family issues, BUT they mentioned possibly visiting in December or January!!!!!
October also marked my final split with my birth family. The details are messy and stretch back to early July, but suffice to say they are dead to me. All numbers and emails are blocked and it has honestly helped my depression. My mom confided things in me I did not need to know. She confided that she gave my inheritance from my grandma to my baby brother. She was also constantly telling me Jobe is having an affair on me and that's why Jobe hadn't come up and why she was shutting down on me...more mental abuse and no my mom has never met Jobe nor lives anywhere near Jobe.
November: I was hoping with Jobe's seasonal job ending at Thanksgiving we would get back to normal, it's improved but not yet even as I write this on Christmas day. My kids and I spent Thanksgiving together, I am learning my kids do not hate me and that my son has a lot of mental quirks that I do as well...something hidden from me by OW.
I also learned that sliding down a set of damp, leaf covered, stairs really hurts one's tailbone for about two weeks 😳!
December: Has been a mix of up and down but mostly down, dark, and nearly not here. I've had no further updates on that Dec/Jan visit and I've begun to think it was a shared half thought.
I learned that Jobe has a MASSIVE work thing that hits halfway between now and when I hoped they'd be here--I'm afraid the job will once again delay their arrival.
I probably spent too much on my grand-daughter for Christmas, I had fun shopping for Jobe and their kids and was pleased with the cost--now I hope to get pictures from that. I did ask Jobe for Jobe for Christmas, I guess time will tell on that.
So what is up with 2023?
1) Hopefully Jobe get's up here this summer--I have seriously considered the opposite and me moving there however:
Jobe when asked has offered no response to the proposition. Besides I own my house and acre of ground outright here and the housing market there is insane! My kids are both on the spectrum and as a result still need me from time to unscheduled time--Jobe says I'm a good mom. I hate the idea of a mortgage at this point in my life as 30 years out makes me 83! Not to mention all I heard growing up was how we were so close to the bank taking the house that I have a learned fear of mortgages. My current home would take 3 years of constant work to be saleable in a way that would make enough money to be worth selling it.
2) When the divorce is finalized I'll start the process of legally being Maura Alwyen and abandoning my birth name...lots of papers to amend with that: birth cert, license, deed, car titles, bank accounts, high school records...
3) Start distance learning; probably business or construction management
4) Get the YouTube channel back to production
5) Finish the yard work
6) Hopefully get the shop started--this will see me pushing my Go Fund Me a bit harder.
7) Get Victim 18 into print form and maybe another novel as well.
Ambitious goals, and they'll be hard pressed on my own to get it all going let alone done.
At this point I have to say my kids, and OW are the reason I am still here. It's been hard on them as I have slid back and forth in emotions between okay and begging for death.
No, I can't take "Happiness" from a pill bottle as I have a condition that makes those medications have VERY bad reactions. I could list my issues but that's a rabbit hole best left for when I do pass, for now suffice that I survived childhood rape, childhood domestic violence, childhood mental abuse, and earned more as an adult--I've had a gun literally held to my head more than once and yet I am still very pro-second amendment.
I really have been told that I am not supposed to live alone ever by three different Phd level psychologists. I figured "June to August, I can manage that!" And I sort of did, but since then not so well.
At this point as I have asked before, say prayers that Jobe gets here soon. It may sound like I'm one sided on this but that's because I can't give too many details about how this benefits Jobe as well without basically outing them and I know a few of you have already worked out who they are on your own.
So that's the recap and the plan.
Maura
If you want to help with the shop project MauraAlwyen.com
No comments:
Post a Comment