Again! A NOTE OF CAUTION!!! From here to close to the end of the novel the story gets very brutal! Don't say I did not warn you!
June ninth two thousand and two Clarisse went to the movies today. I had fun and seemed to pass with no notice. I actually wore a very short denim skirt, a bare midriff open shoulder top and sandals. I went alone and was even approached by two guys.
August sixteenth two thousand two. Talked to Dr. Frederick again today, he is convinced that I should cease to be Clarence and should start being Clarisse full time. I don’t know how to take this advice. On the one hand I am Clarisse more and more only putting on Clarence to go to school or when I’m with the guys. Mom has even started calling me Clarisse even when I’m a dude. But on the other hand Clarisse is the kind of woman that the gang is against. I now know the power behind that woman, to be able to dress sexy and attract attention, to have men hold doors for you while they ogle your body and yet they know you are untouchable. Still even knowing they can’t have you they will buy you drinks, dinners and the like. To know as Clarisse I could have such power over men and yet as Clarence to be subject to that power from others.
I took a big step today as well while at the store I ran into a man I see and speak to quite often as we shop. As we were going along talking he asked if I was doing anything tomorrow night. I had a feeling where this was going and wasn’t real sure how to act. I truthfully told him I had no plans and he asked if I would like to go out to dinner and see a movie, I accepted.
August seventeenth two thousand and two. Mom was a little taken aback that Clarisse was going out with a guy this evening. I told her he was a friend I had met many times and not to worry. She was impressed with him though once she was introduced and told us not to be out too late.
Dinner was fantastic! He took me to a small Italian restaurant on the Hill where we had a small corner booth and talked, getting to know each other a little better. I was surprised by his choice of movie though it was one I wanted to see. I hadn’t met too many people interested in French art house films. He was always such a perfect gentleman throughout the whole evening, always getting the doors taking my arm in his. It was such a thrill to be given such royal female treatment. When he dropped me off at home he walked me to the door and asked if he could pick me up next Saturday. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I said yes.
It is getting late so I better get to bed.
October twelfth two thousand and two. After seeing Robert for the ninth time last night I am really starting to question my identity as Clarence. I feel so comfortable with him, I am his girlfriend, and I feel like I am deceiving him so much by not sharing my dark secret that I am actually a guy! I don’t know what to do. I find myself now looking at women not as objects of sexual desire or as the tramps the gang is after, but as equals seeing what fashions they are wearing, what types of shoes, how is there hair done. Men on the other hand, have always bothered me and yet now I see them as objects of sexual desire. I’m so confused. Dr. Fredrick is still insistent that I would be happier as Clarisse and that I should sit down in a public place taking separate cars and let Robert in on my secret and leave it up to him if we continue before my real life and Clarence tear me apart.
October fifteenth I started laser hair removal today. The doctor said it will take some time to be rid of all body and facial hair but I think it will be worth it.
October nineteenth two thousand and two. I arranged to meet Robert in Forest Park this morning. I was scared shitless. When he arrived I guess he could see the fear on my face even through the make-up. I asked him to sit down across from me which he did. I told him I needed to let him know something very important and it might destroy the relationship we have thus far. He asked me to explain so I very carefully started to explain my situation to him. He seemed to take it rather better than I expected. He asked me a lot of questions about me and what I intend to do from here as well as what I expect from him. I explained how the doctor thinks I would be happier if I become Clarisse full time. How I have begun the work to become a woman by starting the hair removal and have talked to a plastic surgeon.
He said he needs some time to sort this all out but that he has only ever known Clarisse and has no clue who this man that shares her body is. He said he was glad that I finally told him though so he could make his own decision. He left soon after that saying he would get in touch with me once he knew where he stood on the issue.
With him or without him I now have the courage to be Clarisse wherever I go and in whatever I do. Except for this semester in school and around the guys who I’m seeing less and less of these days Clarence is no more!
November the first two thousand and two. Shortly after I arrived home from school today I received a floral delivery from Robert! I found a large card attached and was shaking so hard I had to sit down to read it. He said that he did not care about my other side and wishes to continue seeing me! That if I change my mind on the reassignment surgery I should let him know so he can reevaluate his life and move on. He feels that this only reaffirms that we will not be doing anything sexual during our relationship.
I was beside myself with joy especially since he wants to see me again this Saturday! It means I will have to hurry back from the party Friday night but that’s no bother as I really don’t participate anymore as fucking women at this point makes me feel gay.
February twelfth two thousand and three. I was visited by a state patrolman today. Mom was hit head on, on highway forty this morning and was in Barnes ICU. I grabbed my purse and headed for the hospital. Fortunately with mom working there for so many years everyone knew me for who I am so there was no problem with my identity. I spent the late afternoon and into the evening at her side. She looks pretty banged up but they said if they can get the internal bleeding to stop she should make a full recovery.
February thirteenth two thousand and two. Mom died in my arms at ten this morning.
February twenty seventh. I saw the lawyer again this morning and he said mom’s will was found valid and she had left everything to me. Her insurance will more than pay off the house so I will receive the rest over the next few weeks.
July first two thousand three. I finally got a real job today! Mom would have been proud. I’ll be working as a second grade teacher for the St. Louis public school system and what’s more I will be able to work as Clarisse!
September fourteenth two thousand and three. I have not heard from Robert in three weeks. No calls, no letters, no flowers, he doesn’t answer when I call either. I went past his house this morning on my way to church and saw a strange car in the driveway with his. I tried to call him from my cell and I saw the lights turn on and after a few seconds turn back off again as I caught a glimpse of naked woman through the window. I guess he couldn’t wait on me any longer.
August sixteenth two thousand and four. Two years to the day since Robert first took me out and I stumbled across his wedding announcement in the paper today.
September first two thousand and four. I am no longer Clarence Benjamin Murphy but am now legally Clarisse Lynn Murphy.
April fourth two thousand and five. I finally set the date for the first surgical procedures, Dr. Jacobson says that they will take time and will have to be spaced apart to allow my body time to heal and adjust. We agreed that each should be done during summer vacations when I have about two months off each year.
April thirtieth two thousand and five. I told the guys I would be moving on the thirty-first of May and after that they would be on their own. I have to admit I will be glad to be out of that life once and for all! From then on only Clarisse will exist and the thought is quite liberating!
Saturday May the seventh two thousand and five. This was to be my last party with the guys since I am breaking off all contact with them to start my reassignment surgery and we have a huge problem. Rachel and Juliana found us the best one in a long time yesterday unfortunately, I should have known something would go wrong with this one. She had a strong will that I have never seen before in a victim. She was accepting of her fate to the point of egging us on. She taunted us telling us to rape her to death. She didn’t even fight us knowing we were about to rip her virginity from her and almost seemed willing to hand it over to us. She was unconscious when we went to sleep and when we woke she was gone. A group headed up the hill while we all looked in vain for a sign of her around the clearing. The guys up top yelled down that her car Rachel and Juliana had stolen was gone! We all hightailed it up the hill grabbing our stuff as we went. I checked the shed and all her personal stuff was gone as well. We jumped and climbed into our cars fast then split in every direction possible, none of us wanting to be caught in a group. I came home by a very twisted route arriving late in the afternoon.
I talked to Bruce, Tommy and Pete right after we left to warn them as they had left early needing to work this afternoon. I found out that they had cleaned out her apartment overnight. I got a call from Pete an hour later saying he had left her a message on her mirror. I told him he was stupid and not to egg anyone on like that or he might get caught.
May twenty first two thousand and five. Tommy swears he was followed home last night by a motorcycle. I assured him he was just being paranoid but in the back of my mind I had to wonder was the Wren we had at our last party Wren Robbins the motorcycle racer?
May twenty eighth two thousand and five. Tommy, Bruce, Butch and Hacker are all dead. Each with a bullet through the head and their stupid tattoo linking them all together. They have labeled the murderer the “Predator” and apparently like most predatory animals it has no fear as it broke into Hackers house.
June fifth two thousand and five. The Predator strikes again, whoever it is, managed to enter Adam’s third floor apartment disembowel him and leave without anyone ever seeing them. Though I have not spoken to any of them since the last meeting I’m sure they are scared and at this point so am I!
June seventh two thousand and five. I am very sore today but the pain will be worth it when I have my own thirty-six B’s and no longer have to use forms for my bras. The doctor says the soreness will be almost constant until he has the skin stretched enough to accommodate the saline implants but as I said it will be worth it even if for a year after that I will have to put up with being a she-male.
July the third two thousand and five. Pete got it last night during the storm. He was sitting in his room reading by candle light when with only the sound of breaking glass he took a bullet in the head. That only leaves Po and myself. It is probably a very good thing that whoever this is should have no idea that I am actually a girl within a man’s body.
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