1-29-2024

Since some are concearned with my well being, I am doing okay.  As I noted in a recent post across my other platforms, I realize now that her abuse of me is a choice on her part and I was not at fault in this.  I've been delving into the psychology of it all, seeing patterns, seeing that a certain mental condition almost always gets certain terms and phrases used toward you.  I realize there is something about me that attracts this type of person into my life.  It will take time to heal myself and as I have said before at this point I plan to just be alone.

I have spent my weekends repairing either my work truck or my son's truck, and part of my evenings editing "Solitary Non-confinement" so at this point I am 6 weeks behind on a lot of stuff I need to be advancing on...lose time in one spot make it up on another.  I have been experimenting with recipes though so "Cooking With Maura" can be started soon.  If anyone has suggeations for the seris please share, I am looking for a years worth of shows so 52 recipe ideas.  The goal is things that look complicated but can be cut down, simplified, or can be cooked in an electric cauldron (aka slow cooker) or work arounds for allergies.  Main course, cassarole, side dishes, desserts, are all fair game. The stipulations are they will end up sugarfree, and capsacion free as I am allergic to both those substances...okay diabetes isn't really an allergy, but ya get the idea.  Game meat is not really doable either as I don't have the time to hunt at this time.  You can drop ideas in the comments here, via my contact page on my site or you can @ me on my socials (see my website footer for all of those)

Middle of February should finally see the divorce with Once Wife finallized...finally.  I got all the forms in months ago and was told since everything was split, no contest, the judge would sign off and it would all be done in a few days...I think it changed judge because now we both have to show up.

Legal name change can be filed after the divorce is finalized as I was advised not to file before the divorce is final.  The process is supposed to take 6 to 8 weeks, so I wonder how many trips to the court house this will take, and how much unexpected cash?  Due to a quirk in payment platforms and the U.S. banking system, I have to have the name change done before I can monitize my videos or even put them up on some platforms.

I'm planning to take a week off in February, and Buttercup will be with me at least part of it.  She may be helping me install a window in the office so she will begin learning some construction--I have been advised to not teach her construction vocabulary.  I guess I should avoid calling the 3# hammer a BFH (that's Big F*cking Hammer) around her then.

Brush burning will hopefully resume soon, but I don't think I'll be cutting much more before fall with the plan being to focus on the back bedroom/office, cooking videos, and getting the shop up.

Once the shop is functional, I can start remodeling the full bath.  It was added to the house in 1969, it still has a pink toilet, and pink tub, the original vinyl composition tiles, and the original vanity--that is shot.  I'm thinking of just putting in a walk-in shower and no tub.  I'll soon be 54 and I need to aim remodeling at "age in place" so I don't have to move again in my 80s.

If you are looking for a unique gift for Valentine's Day I have nine of the copper roses on sale right now!  I normally ask $125ea, but right now you can grab one for $60 and that includes shipping to the lower 48 of the United States--we can discuss further locations.  Proceeds as usual do go toward my construction and remodel projects.  Full video of rose build here or some stills Can be found here.  If you are interested in purchasing a rose My contact is here Please put Blog50 in the subject line so it stands out to me.

Basically as you can see am doing okay. Plans are loosely set and I am open to ideas and suggestions on some issues.

That's about it for now,

Maura Out

1-8-2023

Well it has been a week since telling Jobe good-bye. I plan for this to be a final vent/purge on the subject, but I am only in the anger phase of grief right now.

On April 27, 2021 she agreed to join me here, to say I was ecstatic would be to sell my feelings short. Both of us were in failed marriages, and had abusive mothers, we both have our mental issues, but for me I felt the sins of my past were forgiven and I could move forward with love.

In February of 2022 Jobe took what would become the job from Hell. The demands of the job were high, it ate her personal time, it took valuable time from her kids, and from us.

By June what was once open communication became less and less and eventually lead to “do we have to communicate constantly?”

In July–if memory is correct–I teased her about a mispost and her boss immediately called her and had her in tears. I only teased so she had a chance to correct it, instead I got told not to do that again and why–now you know why I consider her boss an asshole.

By August of 2022 I was on eggshells as any little thing would cause her to go silent for days at a time. People we both knew on X were coming to me concerned about her, but I had no answers.

Through that summer I was told her divorce was sort of in court limbo. The date for her to move up came and passed, and I learned via another source that her divorce hadn’t even been filed. I confronted her and basically the blame fell to her job (I won’t use her exact phrase because it would out her.)

September came and I felt I had been ghosted. I found out later in the month she had taken on some massive work project and again I was pushed away for her job.

I was told at the first of November she was planning to come visit in December or January…that was the only thing I’d hear on it and no there was no visit either.

Things cleared up a bit, I thought we were repairing…by Christmas all I got was “Merry Christmas” all I asked for was a picture of her in the hoodie I sent her.

In January someone who obviously follows both of us doxxed her on X and pretty much lifted some of my venting tweets in the dox. She still thinks it was me that did it and cannot be dissuaded of that idea. I can’t get her to understand that I would not put her and the kids in danger. That that action has no benefit for me to even do. I guess my venting and hoping she would see my complaints and open dialog on issues backfired and gave someone ammunition, but I really don’t know who, or what they are after? Were they trying to break us up? Are they angry at me? Are they hacked off with her? I have no idea. All I know is the information they used is easily findable by simply reading her timeline, I know this because I had followed her for nearly 12 years.

February was a cluster, I sent her a package for Valentine’s day, filled with stuff I know she likes and no prepacked holiday crap either as I actually wanted it special. I didn’t get anything but grumbled at about not having time–the job again.

March had a 25 minute call on my birthday, but a week later had her secret Instagram shared with me where someone I know found it…that hurt and to find out one of her silent days in February was spent posting a very long Instagram post hurt even more. On the first day of spring she told me she would not come and went absolutely silent until later in June.

Things were never back to what they were prior to a year before.  There was always something there, but she would not say what.

I asked her to visit over Thanksgiving but she never answered about it.

About a week before Christmas the doxer returned, apparently emailing her boss and again I am blamed…as if no one else in a world of 9 billion people could possibly do it. I’ve been accused of sending 20 emails to her boss…I despise the asshole, so why would I attempt to email him? Again, what good comes from me doing something like that? Problem is she can’t see it that way and has fixated it in her mind that I am the only one that could or would.

Christmas was again a “Merry Christmas” and nothing. I’ll admit I pulled a nuclear option to get a few answers, but when you can post random crap to strangers on X but totally ignore someone who loves you, something is wrong.

It was New Years Eve when she blew up because I was rightfully hacked off from being ignored all day and she leveled the accusations of me doxxing her…”I’ve known it was you for months.” No it was not me, and no I have seen no proof of this latest doxxing.

She will go to her grave thinking it was me who doxxed her because she does not want to believe the truth from someone who has never lied to her. From someone who knows her darkest secrets. Who accepts her as she is, regardless of the faults and failings she sees in herself. Who knows her wildest dreams. But I am now the enemy in her eyes.  An enemy that made sure to stock food, and special little things to make her and kids transition to my home feel smooth and unforced–yeah so much for that.

Who changed me in her mind to where she can no longer trust me as she once did? All I know is the change in her aligns with the stress of the job, a job that needs her but she does not need it to do what she does.

The silence, blatant ignoring, and refusal to answer even simple questions for me is abusive behavior and I expressed and explained it on several occasions. Silence is a major boundary for me and if I tried to enforce it she doubled down on it. She weaponized ignoring me when she knew not responding and posting on social media to people who never asked for her opinion, or just random stuff is telling me that people who do not give a damn about her mean more than me to her.

At this point trust is broken on my end; between the obvious lying, the weaponized silence, finding out she has gone to back channels to tell mutual friends not to talk to me, and her own distrust in me. It would take a lot of very large concessions from her for me to let her back in, concessions I know she will never agree to.

Once trust is broken it is never the same as it was.

So now I walk on into life alone, the very thing nine year old me wanted above all else and pushing 54 year old me fears above all else.

Overall I am content with walking away. I don’t regret walking away from the abuse. Without the expectations of her being here, the house is not as lonely and even shopping on Friday wasn’t as hard. I still have my one true friend in real life--yes just one, my friends around the world that are always in my phone, still have my kids, my dreams, and my goals.

On a happy note I have lost one more pound this week...just 22 to go!

As I said last week I have no plans set beyond getting the shop up this year. Past the shop, I have no idea.  I won't actively look for anyone else as I have had two failed long term relationships now.  I have been told though even by Once Wife that this failure was not my fault and from her that means a lot.

Maura out.

January 1st 2024

It is now a new year. What has changed?

Jobe was in my life at the beginning of last year and as of last night is now blocked across all social media and from texting. I’ll back up all the conversations and archive them, but I have no inclination of letting her back again. I have been mentally abused most of my life, and I don’t need more of it.

What lies ahead for me this year?

Well the plan is to spend the next 40 or 50 years left to me alone. I won’t look for anyone else as it is not worth the pain and I have now had two failed long term relationships–ironically Once Wife is still my best friend though. With two relationships down the common denominator is me.

I have far less trust in the Universe/God/Goddess/Spirit now as It kept telling me “she’s healing”, “don’t walk away”, “she’ll be here”, all lies.

I should have spare cash now so I’ll focus on my shop and house. I should have my wardrobe for filming pretty much collected now so that won’t be as much going out–everyone has a gimmick.

Hopefully by April to June I should be starting on getting the shop up in earnest. Once it is up and tooled, I can start working toward remodeling the kitchen. The kitchen involves removing two walls, building new cabinets, adding lighting, building countertops, flooring, pretty much everything big comes out of the shop–premade cabinets are expensive and they are not that hard to make.

It will be babysteps from here forward though.

The laser hair removal is moving forward and some areas are really doing good. I was told facial hair is a pain and it is. If things go right though, by the time I am ready to start filming again most of the laser work should be done.

My weight is slowly starting to shed again and if I don’t screw up the plan that too should be at or nearly in check by time to start filming–as I have said before if I am going to look pregnant I should at least get a baby out of it.

Beyond getting into the shop I really have no plans for the year. I’m sure I will be battling depression and regret for a while, but I will have to rely on my friends (both digital and in real life), and family, to remind me of why I had to cut her out.

I guess that’s all

Maura out