7-27-2024 No Body

You ever feel like you could go Gault and no one would miss you?

Maybe I'm just having a personal pitty party, but it is how I feel. I know it part stems from being in my head while mowing, on top of feeling lonely to the point it physically hurt, and I now understand some of the chronic pain I have felt for decades.

The last person to say "I love you" was Once Wife out of habit as a phone call ended. Beyond that the ex-girlfriend obviously never meant it or she'd have tried at some point in the last seven months to apollogize, but I know that won't happen as I know now what she is.

I've been isolated so long, I have one friend left, & they don't say much. Tried to meet up, but they went mostly silent.

I learned on Sunday that my friend (widowed in late August of '23) is seeing someone and has been since March, explains the issues with meeting up as well as the sudden silence.  We started talking again back in April, why didn't she say something earlier?  In ways I feel lied to as she avoided the one chance to meet because Buttrrcup was here...I guess I read too much into that.  The sudden silence reminded me of Jobe and her silence, and to me that was a giant red flag.

I told the Universe "Jobe or no one" I see the deal is "no one".  I'm done with friends and even the idea of a partner, they never go anywhere good and they have all lied to and/or abused me.  Being a recluse will just take adjusting too, but for the forseeable future I don't plan to leave my yard except to get supplies or go to work.  If I stay to myself then no one else can hurt me again, and I'm tired of being hurt.

Maura out

July 15-18, 2024

    An anniversary of sorts has now passed, July 7th marked two years that I have officially been living alone.  That was the day my daughter and youngest child moved out on her own leaving me in both an empty house and a position I was future faked into believing would only last until August 13th--obviously Jobe never moved in, and I now see her for exactly who and what she is...I dodged a bullet there, but this isn't about her.

     I have managed to do something several therapists said I should not do due to my suicidal ideation and that is to live alone--as mentioned in other posts my kids and Buttercup are why I am still here at all.  I have started the process of finding a new therapist, but I have to find one that understands being a victim of abuse by someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and domestic violence--DV not so hard NPD is the catcher here.

    I am starting to finally get back to work on my writing and have even submitted an article to Ordinary-times where one of my editors was genuinely glad to see me submit again--I'm out of practice so he is needling me along and I appreciate that immensely.  I have several article ideas bouncing about, and several short stories in the works...and a new one's premise jotted down--yeah, I do my own writing prompts.  Buttercup is after me to keep going on a what promises to be a fairly massive high fantasy/steampunk/sci-fi she has had the privileged of reading part of, but I have to be in the right mood to work on that one as I have to really immerse myself in that world.  At this point most of my current writing will only be seen by my therapist as it involves writing down ALL the mental abuse I have been subjected to, sorted out by offender in detail--currently ten pages and growing.  It is therapeutic, but also opens old wounds which can cause me to shut down while writing.  I have seen it recommended by several therapy sites as being one of the best 1st steps toward healing...it is royally eyeopening.

 

     I have an old almost lost friend and we are talking a bit more again and are supposed to meet up as soon as we can lock our schedules down--our days off only overlap at one point and they are raising a puppy for a service dog charity.

 

    I have been cooking again--yes this comes and goes as does the depression caused by trauma bonding--remember that therapist issue?  I have worked out how to make pull apart cinnamon rolls in sugar free, and they received the Buttercup seal of approval too!  Now I need to write them up, and put it to video as I duplicate them once more--you dear reader are spared the process of eating the mistakes....it isn't all good when experimenting with recipes.

 

    Yard work has been slow as May into June was my food poisoning, son's brain surgery, and getting Once Wife back to her house.  Then a week ago with all the rain here in St. Louis I slipped on a set of steps going into a basement and bruised the top of my pelvis, left elbow, lower rib, and a rib closer to my scapula--a long string of adult language followed.  The first few days I could not bend over or stand up without extreme pain, I can now mostly bend over but sleeping requires a hot water bottle under the scapula and luckily enough it reaches to the lower rib.  My crew has been really good at not letting me pick things up, which means a lot--maybe I won't change there uniform to yellow tees and denim bibs after all.  I am hoping this week to start piling brush to burn next weekend--I started writing this on Sunday and due to more rain my back yard is now like walking on a wet sponge 😬.  I really need to get the brush and some junk out of what will be the shop burnt.

 

    On the shop, I was really hoping to have started it this spring, but as you can see life and work have been in the way once again.  I can deal with junk and burning through the winter though, and honestly there are fewer critters--like wasps, and wood-chucks--to surprise me as I move things.  I have worked my budget out so I can start putting more cash back with the $300 that was donated toward it a couple years back--nope it hasn't been spent yet--so by spring I should be able to have enough cash on hand to get a good jump at it.

 

    I started looking for a bigger better laptop computer and found a unopened slim tower on clearance for 60% off from where someone ordered it in and backed out on it.  So for $109 I have a system that will handle my classes as I choose which ones to take and should be much easier to perform basic audio editing upon; Space Trucker was put to audio about a year ago, and test listens have said it sounds great, but I have to edit out my stutters, losing my place, etc.

 

    If you have topics you'd like to see me cover here or for articles I am open to suggestions and inquiries.   As I write this I remember I do have a massive tome I am reviewing for a multipart series--Agenda 21 anyone?  I can digest legalese but the vernacular of Bureaucrat is a royal pain to read 🤢

 

    I was about to wrap this up when I got sort of hit out of the blue by the boss bringing in a "co-manager" behind my back.  He did not consult me at all, and now wants me to help train him.  This has HUGE red flags all over it, and I don't think he realizes how much the crew is going to revolt.  As a result I have polished my resume and have begun the search for other employment--and not slept much.  My boss is a micromanager and more than a bit pompous (my crew has other terms for him) so the issues he feels we have are mostly because he wont stay out of things and changes his directions and intentions with every passing breeze.  In the initial search last night and this morning, I have found most jobs at my level pay half again to double what I make so by the end of the weekend I should have quite a few applications sent out.  My only issue is winnowing out the ones that require a degree of some sort.

 

    I guess that's it for now sort of an update, and a way to announce I'm trying to get back into the writing grove--that's big and why I fell off it is a topic for it's own post.

 

Wish me luck.

Maura out

Mental abuse

Most people think you have to lay hands on someone to be an abuser, and this stereotype perpetrates a type of shield for many of the most insidious abusers.  It creates a shield by belittling what mental abuse does to a person, how repeated verbal attacks or even extreme silence messes with a person's mind.  In most cases mental abuse is just as if not more traumatic because it leaves long lasting yet invisible wounds--I have personally suffered from both so I know.  Flesh wounds are very visible and heal fairly quickly and there is a mental abuse quotient with them, but mental wounds being invisible can take years of therapy to heal from especially if they are regularly repeated over and over again.  You have to think of cognitive therapy as surgery for the psyche much as you may need pins, and plates installed for a broken bone, cognitive therapy is needed for a broken self image or even just a broken self.

I once told a lover "silence is violence" when they opted to ignore me in favor of posting on social media, and their response was "violence is violence."  They knew and had admitted to knowing that silence hurt me and how much it hurt me, and yet they continued and once you have been told your actions hurt someone and you continue it makes you the abuser--ironically they attest to being an abuse victim themselves.  In the end their abusing me with silence along with an accusation of doing something I would not have done is why I cut them from my life.  I use this as a small example though in a way it is cathartic to put it out there like this.

There are many words that build up in a psyche, being referred to in any way inferior like fat, stupid, dumb, ignoring opinions, repeatedly telling your partner that some stranger asked them out.  Changing history or gas-lighting aka changing the story of how events happened be it directly to the victim or telling everyone they know a made up story to make the victim look like the perpetrator (like falling down a set of stairs then telling everyone you were pushed.)  Agreeing to a commitment with someone then not following through after they altered their life to accommodate you being in their life--this is called future faking.  Even something as simple as putting your job as more important than your family and the ones you swear to love is a form of abuse because by your actions you are telling them they are less important to you than a job you could lose at any moment.

Sadly mental abuse is how most men live their lives, "you should know why I'm mad!"  No, unless he is a mind reader that doesn't work and here we are at "Silence is violence" again because he is now going to wrack his brain trying to figure out what he did wrong or what important thing he forgot.  Eventually he will give up trying to work it out, but he will always have a guilt associated with her being quiet even if she is not upset with him but something she just has in her head.

I've escaped three domestic violence situations in my life now, all three had the same modus operandi and in the end all three had to be cut out of my life over the course of eighteen months.  Do I still care about them?  Yes, and notice I have not named any of them.  Sometimes I really wonder though if I mistake a trauma bond for love and if I really do know what love is or how it should feel, but then I remember how I feel about my kids and grand-daughter, they are the only reason I understand what love is or what happiness is, and the only reason I am still here as my kids turned up several times during silent phases to find me sitting in my kitchen floor crying, and despondent as I contemplated why I should stay alive.

If you have read this far thanks for reading what I guess is more of a therapeutic mind dump.

Maura Out