Mental abuse

Most people think you have to lay hands on someone to be an abuser, and this stereotype perpetrates a type of shield for many of the most insidious abusers.  It creates a shield by belittling what mental abuse does to a person, how repeated verbal attacks or even extreme silence messes with a person's mind.  In most cases mental abuse is just as if not more traumatic because it leaves long lasting yet invisible wounds--I have personally suffered from both so I know.  Flesh wounds are very visible and heal fairly quickly and there is a mental abuse quotient with them, but mental wounds being invisible can take years of therapy to heal from especially if they are regularly repeated over and over again.  You have to think of cognitive therapy as surgery for the psyche much as you may need pins, and plates installed for a broken bone, cognitive therapy is needed for a broken self image or even just a broken self.

I once told a lover "silence is violence" when they opted to ignore me in favor of posting on social media, and their response was "violence is violence."  They knew and had admitted to knowing that silence hurt me and how much it hurt me, and yet they continued and once you have been told your actions hurt someone and you continue it makes you the abuser--ironically they attest to being an abuse victim themselves.  In the end their abusing me with silence along with an accusation of doing something I would not have done is why I cut them from my life.  I use this as a small example though in a way it is cathartic to put it out there like this.

There are many words that build up in a psyche, being referred to in any way inferior like fat, stupid, dumb, ignoring opinions, repeatedly telling your partner that some stranger asked them out.  Changing history or gas-lighting aka changing the story of how events happened be it directly to the victim or telling everyone they know a made up story to make the victim look like the perpetrator (like falling down a set of stairs then telling everyone you were pushed.)  Agreeing to a commitment with someone then not following through after they altered their life to accommodate you being in their life--this is called future faking.  Even something as simple as putting your job as more important than your family and the ones you swear to love is a form of abuse because by your actions you are telling them they are less important to you than a job you could lose at any moment.

Sadly mental abuse is how most men live their lives, "you should know why I'm mad!"  No, unless he is a mind reader that doesn't work and here we are at "Silence is violence" again because he is now going to wrack his brain trying to figure out what he did wrong or what important thing he forgot.  Eventually he will give up trying to work it out, but he will always have a guilt associated with her being quiet even if she is not upset with him but something she just has in her head.

I've escaped three domestic violence situations in my life now, all three had the same modus operandi and in the end all three had to be cut out of my life over the course of eighteen months.  Do I still care about them?  Yes, and notice I have not named any of them.  Sometimes I really wonder though if I mistake a trauma bond for love and if I really do know what love is or how it should feel, but then I remember how I feel about my kids and grand-daughter, they are the only reason I understand what love is or what happiness is, and the only reason I am still here as my kids turned up several times during silent phases to find me sitting in my kitchen floor crying, and despondent as I contemplated why I should stay alive.

If you have read this far thanks for reading what I guess is more of a therapeutic mind dump.

Maura Out