1-27-2025 Girlfriend parameters?

At this point I have been living totally alone for two and half years.  I had hoped that the ex-girlfriend would have moved in two years ago, but that was a total future fake–aka a lie like everything else about her.  At this point I am not actively looking, but I guess in the future I am sort of looking at starting totally over.  It has been 37 years since I last truly dated; if we ignore the fake girlfriend that was in there–I do have to give her a couple of good points: she gave me the courage to walk away from a mentally controlling and abusive spouse, and in the fall out of seeing the fake girlfriend for what she is the ability to see the pattern of abuse in my life that culminated in her.  Overall though it is a bit lonely around here most of the time.

I’ll admit some of this is superficial, but isn’t that what initially attracts anyone to someone else?  We approach those we find aesthetically pleasing to us, and strike a conversation.
So what do I want in a mate:

True redheads are my Kryptonite–I’ll blame Daphne Blake of Scooby-Doo fame for this attraction.

True blondes come closely after redheads

I really don’t go for bleached blondes or dye job reds–yes I can tell because at my height I can see their roots

I love accents that are not from my region, I particularly like British, Yorkshire, Scots, Appalachian, Aussie, and once upon a time true Valley Girl–uptalk, vocal fry, everything is “like” anyone who has followed me for years knows why this one is now slightly rough.

I actually find freckles sexy

For me tattoos are a turn off.  I can handle some, but not tatted up, sleeves, pants, large back, and face, tattoos are all turn offs.  I also find facial, septum, and nipple piercings, and gauges, to be a total turn off–I am very empathetic and see them as extreme pain.

Someone who understands sarcasm as I use it A LOT.

Someone smart, not just book smart, but able to apply their brain to a task.

Someone that when they commit to an us honors that commitment completely and putting your job or others before us to me is not honoring the commitment.

Someone who doesn’t tell me one thing and others or social media something opposite.

What is between us stays between us only, no parents, no kids, no friends need know the intimate details of our life--yes this was an issue for me at a point.

If they have an issue with me, come to me to address it, and not post it as a subtweet for me to find, then when they are confronted about it go silent.

Independent but considers and respects my wishes within that–I do this and I expect the same back

No sudden undiscussed business trips, or outings with friends, I have no problem with either unless they are sprung on me–I have been cheated on too many times so preplanned and I know is really a courtesy that goes both ways between us.  Honestly I will probably text or expect a call just to check in due to the lasting effects of being cheated on so hopefully that is understood early on.

Someone who does not make unilateral decisions that affect my life.  Big decisions are a two party thing when two people are involved–I have had animals and people suddenly moved in without discussion and then gaslighted about it.  To this day she won't take accountability for that.

Someone that when decisions are made between us respects and honors those decisions, not suddenly change their mind and try to gaslight me while getting violently angry about it–as simple as buying something we agreed not to buy because it could not be cleaned, then bought and all the price tags removed so it could not be returned…yeah, that went verbally violent with a heavy dose of gaslighting.

Someone who reciprocates my commitment to them

Someone who respects me as I am while understanding I am who I am at this point–I have a lot of unhealed issues from former partners that will take a longtime to heal…if ever.

Someone who honors my boundaries: no silence, no lies, no hiding things from me, no hidden social media accounts–yes I had an ex who claimed “I don’t have a Facebook” when in fact they had just set one up along with an Instagram that has pics that should have been either only between us, or she should at least have asked “would it bother you, if I posted this?”–this is respect.  All of my social media is on my web page footers for all to find.

Someone who follows through with what they say they will do for me and when they say they will do it.  I’ve had all kinds of plans just abandoned by one ex and move-in plans that were killed because of the other’s job commitments–supposedly.

Someone who puts our relationship ahead of everything else in their life except for our kids–even kids from an earlier relationship fall into “our” status to me–but even then respects our relationship as it is intended to outlast kids being at home.

After helping get the two former women in my life into and established in their careers I don’t know that I would want to risk that again; especially since the last one abandoned me for her job–a job that without a large input of help from me she would not have gotten–I wish I had never helped her now.  Honestly, if you have a degree, are established in your career, and wish to date me, that's fine, but I won’t risk another abandonment for a new degree/career again.  Maybe she needs to be blue collar, a trades woman, retail? (I consider any non-degree work as trades and include hairstylist, make-up artist, artist, dancer, waitress, cook, as trades as you trade a skill for pay)

I have issues when people have a Phd and call themselves "Doctor". To me doctor is a title for an MD as in Medical Doctor or medical field. 

I really don’t care about their past so long as it does not haunt us.  I genuinely don’t care if they are a former sex worker–escort, stripper, video performer...

I don’t do well sharing so they have to be faithful–hence “former” in the above.

Someone who can live without spicy foods at home as I love them, but can’t have them due to a nasty allergy.

Someone who wants to and is willing to have fun, maybe even cosplay, dance, sing, LARP, hiking, even mix things…cosplay/LARP while hiking?

Who will go hiking, camping, help with repairs around the house, yard, and the vehicles–they don’t have to know how, but assist as needed or even just be with me.

I’d like to have someone who doesn’t mind me dressing them up–getting them the clothes to not necessarily “dressing” them

I can’t stand the smell of perms and that smell lingers for days and days

At my human level–soon to be 55–I don’t want to have more kids of my own.  I am not opposed to someone with existing children though–I was willing to take on two teenagers with my ex-girlfriend.  They meant a lot to me, and in most ways still do.

As for me:

I’m almost 6’ 2” /1.9m 

I’m still losing weight and am nearing ideal, but it is slow partly because food for one person is tricky

As is common knowledge I am diabetic so I run a sugar free house.

I do not and will not own a television

I detest Apple products because there end user license agreement is horrible 

I do not and will not keep pets. I am highly allergic to most dogs and cats plus I think it is inhumane–that’s a post on its own really.

I do dress fem when not at work, and I dress up to go most anywhere.

I wear dresses regularly

My house is in a state of remodel.  I do know where it is going and have a set order to that

My yard is over an acre, and hopefully will have a decent privacy fence in the near future.

There is a set of railroad tracks behind my house that see regular service

I hope to eventually make an income from my internet platforms and eventual merchandise sales

Honestly I can pretty much make or repair anything–except my ex’s

I actually do like to spoil girlfriends if I think they are long term–it may be blingy costume jewelry, and/or not always practical clothes, but still.

I am completely no contact with both ex’s–I only interact with the mother of my kids when I have to meet to swap Buttercup so maybe five minutes every eight weeks

My only family are my kids and granddaughter–aka Buttercup that’s it, no one else

My yard needs work

Mentally I’m a mess, ADD, CDO–aka ocd–trauma bonds, domestic violence issues…

I am a survivor of domestic violence, mental, physical, and sexual

I am a rape survivor

I’ve had several near death experiences and as such consider the Grim Reaper a longtime friend

I’ve known my longest friend for about 27 years now–at this point due to others in my life they are my only local on ground friend.

I like Minecraft–digital LEGO to me–Metroid, Zelda, considering getting Fallout & Skyrim, LEGO, obviously building things, 

Movies, Lord of the Rings, Hunger Games, The Martian, Star Trek, Bond but only Mr. Connery & Mr. Moore, Star Wars

I am a writer and have several more books in the works

I am a chef

I guess for now that is it.  If you would like to apply for the open girlfriend position I assume you know me well enough to know my contact info–it is available on my website too.

Maura out 

Mischievous

A tall, older man, obviously a mountain of a man in his youth, sits beside a hospital bed, tears seeping from his closed eyes. The room lights are dim, a soft beeping keeping pace with the heart of the woman laying in the bed.

The woman’s alien features a stark contrast to his own, her once luminous silvery skin has dulled to almost gray, her waist length, deep blue hair has faded to perriwinkle, her once navy blue lips have now faded to match her skin.

As he sits there leaning over the railing in deep contemplation and extreme sorrow the room door quietly opens just enough to flood the room with dazzling light from the corridor beyond. He pays no heed though knowing it is just another nurse making their rounds, but is startled to feel a warm hand on his shoulder as someone presses against him causing him to turn to the person.

“Hey grandpa.”

“Lauralie, I thought you were off-world?”

“I was, but when mom called about grandma I began looking for a way home. I found a perishable food freighter that the captain upon hearing my story said I could ride along; he didn’t even charge me. It was the fastest flight back too. He made the trip in forty-eight hours! It took me one hundred and sixty-eight to get out there on a passenger ship.”

“I’m glad you made it, this time of day gets a bit lonely.”

“What’s grandma’s prognosis?”

“The docs don’t expect her to wake up again, the fall down the steps really did her in this time…she took a pretty bad blow to the back of her head. I was mowing the yard so had no idea she went to the basement alone…I don’t know how many times I told her not to wear flip flops on those stairs, or that she really shouldn’t be going down there alone. Of course I knew exactly when she fell. I rushed back in and called the paramedics, I sat beside her…I couldn’t hear her in my head…I thought she was dead. It was the first time in sixty-seven years that our connection was lost, and now I feel so lost inside because literally my other half is gone.”

“Oh grandpa! That has to be awful. I remember grandma teaching me to control the hive mind, reminding me not to link unless I knew the person was who I would be mated to. Not to use it to cheat, steal, or manipulate others. Oh how those lessons gave me such a headache, but she knew, and would reach across to take it away…the only times she entered without asking.”

“Not the only ones.”

“No, that instance with Neil I reached out to her as I had no idea what else to do…I wasn’t even sure it would work that far away, and suddenly boom there you were. I had no idea anyone could punch that hard, then dad showed up…I wondered how Neil was still alive after you two were done.”

Grandpa just smiled at her.

“Do you need me in your head?”

“No, no, your mom offered. It wouldn’t be the same and besides it would just push the pain out further…better to just deal with it now.”

“Has mom tried to reach into Grandma?”

“She said there isn’t much coherent in her, it’s all a big jumble.”

Lauralie steps to the side and drags a chair to the other side of her grandma’s bed, and the two sit in silence for a few minutes.

“Grandpa, how did you and grandma meet?”

“She never told you?”

“No, I never thought to ask either.”

“Back when I was 27 and in the army, we deployed to Lulufenz. We were there to push back the Voltarians, on request from Lulufenz via a mutual aid treaty, and aid survivors. The Voltarians had dropped copper core fusion bombs and micro singularity devices. Between the extreme heat and the gravitational fields there were so many injured, so many just gone…either vaporized or crushed to non-existence.

I was assigned to a camp just outside of a conurbation that had a fusion detonation used in a nearby city. We were set there to assist with recovery of survivors and prepare some for temporary refugee resettlement on some of our own colony worlds. I found Mischievous a few days later doing a sweep for survivors.”

“You know after all these years I have only ever heard you call grandma Mischievous, but is that really her name?”

“No, but I have never been able to say her real name, Mischievous is the closest I could ever get out and it kind of matches her personality amazingly well.”

“Yea, it really does.” Lauralie laughs as she agrees.

“I had exited my mech suit to examine a collapsed building and when I came back she was leaning against its left leg. Her right leg was at totally the wrong angle and had a twist causing her foot to point backwards. I winced seeing her just knowing the amount of pain she had to be in. I realized later she couldn’t feel it from the level of shock she was in. She told me years later that she more or less drug herself to my mech and had just got up to lean on it when I found her.

I treated her as I could in the open, then entered my mech, carefully picked her up and returned her to base. I left her with the surgeons and headed back out, but couldn’t get her off my mind. By the time I was back out the medic transports were up and running so I didn’t have to transport each person I found instead I’d digi-flag them and either the medic robots or the morgue bots would pick them up. I must have seen a few dozen survivors that day but none stuck with me like Mischievous.

Back at camp I was eating in the chow hall when a Lulufenzian healer came up to me.

“Are you Sergeant Lopez?”

“Yes Ma'am.”

The Doctor sat down across from me.

“You brought a young woman of our race in this morning. Let me start by she is doing fine now, but how are you doing?”

“Back then this seemed like a very odd question to which I replied ‘I’m doing okay.”

“Have you had any out of the normal mental issues?”

“No, but she has been on my mind ever since I treated her before bringing her in…why?”

“How much do you know about our people?”

“Aside from your skin is silver, and you have a hive mind not much really.”

“Hive mind implies all of us share a more or less single consciousness, we link with our immediate family unit, so spouses, parents to children, grandchildren, seldom beyond that though we can.”

“Are you telling me the reason she is on my mind is because she linked with me?”

“I think she did. As a healer we often temporarily link to the less than conscious in an effort to treat them, and in her case I was seeing what you were seeing in the field. This proved itself when the injured you were sending back matched what I was seeing before me. We seldom link outside of our own people so I knew I had to find you and check on you.”

“So she has a memory of the carnage I was seeing out there? That won’t be good to have in her head.”

“No, but no worse than what is in your own. When you are finished with your meal would you please come see me at the hospital?”

“I agreed, he brought me to her as the link would be closer and she would rest better.”

“That’s why you haven’t left her side even now?”

“Partly, but mostly I can’t bare to be away from her. Over the following days she finally woke up, by then we had started to silently bond with each other through her link, we had been talking so to speak for days, she saw my dreams and I saw hers, she saw everything I saw, and I saw what she had seen before I arrived. I saw her flashbacks to the fusion bomb drop, heard her thoughts about getting there and how she might have to pay for help.

It was really weird hearing her voice for the first time, I expected a soprano like in her thoughts, but she was a tenor. She spoke in perfect English apparently picked up from being in my head for days…that concerned her people. As you know in Lulufenzian society that depth of connection is equal to marriage and to them she was underage, she had just turned twenty-four at the time and wouldn’t be of age for another year. Her people outcast her, they didn’t blame me, but she was considered nothing more than a common slut in their eyes and that was unforgivable. A counselor of her people visited each of us separately and together in an attempt to decouple us, assuming the connection was merely made in dire need, but by then her link was too deep.

I figured she would tire of me, move on to someone of her own kind, but being an outcast none would speak to her let alone go near her. Their healer still cared for her, still spoke to her, but they took a vow of celibacy and would be of no use to her and even if they connected it would have meant the shaming of the healer too. I felt bad for her, so she stayed with me once the healer released her. She had nothing, no family, no keepsakes, no clothes, no home, nothing but herself. I brought her to my living unit–a small shipping container converted to basically a secure bedroom and supply cache. I let her take the unused top bunk. It was odd coming home to her, she was happy to see me, but was basically a prisoner by her people in our camp as she could leave at any time, but her people acted like she was not there.

In camp everyone just treated her like anyone else, she took to working in the main kitchen and she quickly picked up more human traits.

I was on Lulufenz for a year and as my time to ship back home grew closer, I filed the papers to bring her back to Earth with me. My commanding officer performed the official marriage duties, and a few weeks later we were on a ship back here. Now in a few days we will have officially been linked for 67 years…I can barely remember my life before her and I can’t fathom life without her.

Lauralie reaches across the bed and takes her grandpa's hand and her grandma’s other hand then closes her eyes. Reaching out her mind she enters both her grandparents mind’s, soon she finds her grandma then acting like a bridge between them brings grandma into grandpa’s mind.

In his head he hears her voice, the lilting soprano he is so used to. “Hello Petrus, do you mind if I move in with you?”

“I think we can make this work.”

In the room around them the slow beeping stops.

2024 in review 1-1-2025

 

2024 in review

“I have licked the fire and danced in the ashes of every bridge I ever burned. I fear no hell from you.‘

–Nicole Lyons

I am trying to live up to this quote going into 2025.

So let’s start with the two major bridges burned:

Bridge one; I started 2024 the day after telling Jobe to get lost, and blocking her everywhere.  She has made no attempt to reach out in any way–the mail still works, as do burner phone numbers, and burner emails–which only confirms that her professions of love were–like everything else about her–a complete lie.  I have now ended the year without speaking to her at all.

Has it been hard?  Yes.

Via therapy and research I have been enlightened to the fact I have spent the last year battling a trauma bond that she set on me, this is not a magic spell, but it is a nasty form of psychological manipulation and abuse.

Am I free of the bond?  Not totally, and it could take years of therapy and no contact with her to be fully free from it.  I now mostly find issues when I am shopping, be it online or in person and I see something pretty, and it connects to a thought that she would look good in it…it’s a bummer but is getting less often as is the anger when I feel lonely about how she lied to me about moving in.  I have to keep reminding myself that everything about her is a lie–and I do mean everything about her–that the person I fell in love with never existed.

I had the misfortune of accidentally finding an old email not moved to storage.  I had sent her the email the morning of 12-31-2023, it was long, and it was heartfelt, her response was “I’m still processing…” basically a non-answer.  I’m not depressed by it, I’m sort of numb, and irritated by it though, especially knowing that it explains her silence toward only me that day–that’s how narc’s punish you is with the silent treatment–as she was prolifically posting on twitter, and the silence is why I had to break everything off with her as I could no longer take that abuse from her.

I do hold on to the compliments she gave me; like being the only person to ever describe me as “hot” whether she was being honest or not, it gave me some confidence.

Bridge two; at the beginning of the year I was still legally married to my ex-wife.  She physically left two and a half years ago after finally destroying the marriage with a massive string of lies that began eight years before–on top of the hundreds of lies, some minor and some really blatant and major during the course of our time together.  She had slowly started checking out of the marriage in all possible ways 27 years ago, and leaving our bed two years before she left–there was nothing there to salvage.

In February the divorce was final–after 30+ years of ending arguments with yelling at me “do you want a divorce?”–and after being my own lawyer in this legal adventure I understand why lawyers are so pricey.

The rest of the year with her was a mix of nice and not so nice.  In May while she was here for my son’s brain surgery she overlapped with my food poisoning incident.  She made me food, took what care of me she could, and tried picking fights that I would not take the bait of.  Basically this pattern continued through the year until November 7th when I once again tried to find answers to her lies.  I finally have one admittance to a lie, and a lot of stuff that had been settled from 20 and 30 years ago brought up yet again, plus a lot of stuff that never happened, and her once again digging at my sexual/personal expression–for those unaware I am intersex, I primarily identify as female though fluid is more accurate, but I was mis assigned male at birth–when we were dating I was told this was not an issue to her…but she made it one.  In the end I wound up blocking her as well.

When I blocked my ex wife I heard my kids in my head “ mom, you have a type”  Both ex wife and Jobe have pretty much the same personality.  Now I have to break that trend.

Whatever closure you think you need, you don't.

The closure you think you need is right in front of you in the lack of respect, care, apology, accountability, and honesty.

–Unknown, heard elsewhere with no attribution

“Never re-friend or re-family a person who tried to destroy your character, your integrity or your relationship with others, a snake only sheds its skin to be a bigger snake.  If others fall victim and walk away from you because of that, let them … Sooner or later the snake will bite them too.”

–George Clooney

As I noted, May was food poisoning month, apparently some dumb-ass living in my house made chicken salad with mayonnaise that was open way too long–note I live alone.  I spent about three weeks fighting with Salmonella poisoning, and going through two rounds of antibiotics.  I lost 21 pounds/9.5kg/1.5 stones in that month as food would neither stay down or in.

My son had brain surgery in late May, and he came out of it cracking jokes.  “I feel really high” was the first thing he said to me as they rolled his bed into his room.  The tumor was successfully removed, it was pushing on things in his head just right that it was mimicking epilepsy, he has been seizure free since the surgery.  So he is in chemo and will be for quite a while to come, but the prognosis is very good.

Most of the year's memories are blurry, between sleeping as I recovered from the mental abuse of my past life, and physically from the food poisoning–my doctor and later my therapist both said this is normal.  At a point I was sleeping ten to eleven hours a day, but at this point I am down to seven again–which is normal for me.

Physically my weight-loss got me to a point where I invested in a two piece swimsuit which is something I had wanted most of my life, but never dreamed I would ever get in to and yes at first it was a bit disconcerting as you sort of feel like you are outside in your underwear aka nearly naked–also I was raised by a prude so extreme that even shorts were indecent.  I have since lost some more weight, and have a bit to go before I reach my goal.  In 30 years of really fighting my weight I have lost just over 100 pounds/45kgs/7 stones, that is just direct linear loss not counting the ups and downs along the way.

I bought my tractor in August, and there were people in my life at that time that were obviously upset I bought it even though it had no bearing on them–I think it was the fact I could make that financial commitment and they over extended themselves within a few months of moving away–I no longer wonder where the money issues came from in my marriage.   I am now able to do in a day with it what would have been several weekends worth of work before.  I’ve since bought it a rake, and a set of pallet forks. Those two items added more usefulness and again sped up my progress on my work.  I was able to use the forks to move dried brush piles about and quickly add brush to a lit burn pile…a job that took me an entire day before because of hand feeding the fire.  Now it can be moved in bulk and burned in a couple of hours.

The first section of the old guest house was dropped, and the foundation has been added onto so it is six inches (15cm) above the surrounding grade.  The original foundation height is why the original walls rotted as my yard is flat so every time it rained the water would get between the foundation and wall.  So at this point the shop is about 25% done.  The next section to drop and haul off will probably be in March or April depending on the weather, but no earlier as I need to pour more concrete when I do.  If all goes as planned I should have the shop up by Halloween of 2025.

At this point I have been using the home version of laser hair removal for just over a year now.  It has greatly reduced my facial hair issues, but at points it’s like it isn’t doing anything.  For the most part it has helped cut back on how many razors I go through by stretching the time between shaving.  It has also greatly reduced the beard shadow that I hate so much.

As noted earlier, I still have some weight to lose, but I no longer appear pregnant.

At the end of 2023 I was looking at blood pressure medication, now my blood pressure is normal for someone in their 20’s.  What changed?  Seriously, no Jobe, no ex wife, the stress and cortisol levels from what they were doing to me was the cause.

The house is still cleaning up, I hauled six big totes of stuff down to the ex wife on a Buttercup exchange midyear and I imagine I will still turn stuff up as I go.  The stench from the filth that had built up during the last couple of years before the split is gone, there is a scent that is apparently from the previous owner, but I imagine that will get less as walls are redone through the remodeling.

There is still a smell where my ex son-inlaw’s cat had a litter box and he didn’t clean it regularly nor correctly.  I’m afraid that section of plywood will have to be removed from the floor of that room to be rid of it.  I will attempt to use an encapsulating paint first in that area, but only time will tell.

At this point I can now spend several hours at a time in the tool room without my anxiety going off the rails.  This is a good thing as I am now slowly getting tools put away again.  I kind of need things as organized as possible before the actual shop is up so I can migrate them out there…remember those forks I got for the tractor?  Yep, those will be moving three tool chests, and a large air compressor from the kitchen door to shop door in under a year.

I bought a set of strings and a new bow for my violin in November.  Had to repair the violin as the neck and head had come loose but managed that myself.  Once together it was the first time I had drawn the bow in 34 years and she still sounds just as sweet.  It’ll take time to get back to where I was, and maybe it will help my arthritic fingers too.  Once I get halfway decent again I’d like to take up the bagpipes…my neighbors are gonna hate me.

I realized at some point I have started dancing again while cooking and cleaning.  I stopped a long, long, time ago, and before that I had slacked off after making show choir in high school, but being denied the chance to perform by my mom.

I made it through the holiday season with no anxiety, no existential dread, no depression, just nice and chill–are we humans allowed to do that?

Overall and especially since early November, I am calm, at peace, no more living in depression, or within a constant state of paranoia.  I’m not used to feeling this way all the time as in my life I’ve never known this, but I can adjust to it.

I am trying to wear nicer clothes even if it is only for a few hours between getting home and bed.  No more bummy things as there is nothing in most of my house that will damage them anymore.  It may seem a simple and odd move, but it had a very quick effect on my mood in the evenings.

I no longer feel that I return to my house after work, but I now come home, and freely call it my home.  That was a big step for me as this is the first time in my life I have felt at home.  On that subject I have worked out what style windows to install, and found where to get the trim for them.  Once the shop is done the real work on my home begins.

So what lies ahead?

Several people I know are after me to start dating.  In most ways I don’t know how I feel about that.  I’ve been lonely for many, many, years–yes you can be in a house full of people and be very lonely–but I’m not sure anyone deserves the baggage that I have, or that it would be right to them–time and therapy will tell.  Will I see minor things as giant red flags?  Will I cut off good people because of the things Jobe, my ex, and my mom, did to me?  On top of these, there are probably very few people who would be able to deal with my trans issues, basically I need a very open minded bisexual woman–yes I am a lesbian too–to accept who I am as I am.

I’m pretty open minded and can accept a lot of baggage if the person meshes right–but I come with a cargo ship full of baggage with each container packed like Fibber Mcgee’s closet.  I do have a list of what I’d like, and maybe I’ll attach it at the end or as a part two.

I have to finish learning the video edit software on the new computer system to start getting videos up regularly.  It may be easier to set up a dual boot on the tower though and use what I know.

I need more practice time with the action camera.  Need to work the face tracking issue of my gimble out.  In general during the colder season I need to work toward video becoming second nature to just shoot a lot.  I stopped carrying my gear around many years ago for reasons you can probably work out considering my past.

I don’t want to plan too much, or too far.  For now simple goals, small steps, one 2 by 4 at a time, and may the bridges I burn behind me light my path forward as I dance amongst the embers and ashes.