Well...that was a week 😳

Well, the evening after the last post went up I learned my girlfriend is not coming up & we are just girl friends.  I'd like to say I was shocked, surprised, floored, but I wasn't.  She slipped & started to say something in early February that has had me wondering since then.  Plus the fact pictures from Christmas never appeared, it took days to find out if what I got her kids was liked...its all added up.  I've been praying for a straight answer & possibly the strength to walk away since Valentines day...I got both.  A few things have been said public & private since that had me thinking she was having a change of heart & I asked but only silence followed.

Her behaviors became mentally abusive & over the last year they continued to escalate.  Lies compounded one on another as well.  My own boundaries were crossed with impunity many times.  It got to a point where twitter notifications brought me great anxiety.

She did apologize for her behaviors & things said, & I accept those apologies, but those scars will not soon fade.  Yes, she will always have a place in my heart & my memories.  No, I do not regret her as overall she helped me grow as a person.  She helped me overcome issues of my own.  She is the first person to describe me as "hot" & that did more for my self esteem than years of psychotherapy ever did.  I have talked her back before & she has talked me back.  I literally saved her life once.

I've been going back through old texts, emails, DMs...yeah I have all of them, & I can see the pattern is long & old.

If someone in your life is doing something hurtful/abusive & you tell them, but it continues so you tell them again & maybe again; take a long look at the relationship because chances are they don't love or respect you enough to try & change.  Cutting them out will hurt, but it's best for you in the long run.  Trust me you will absolutely second guess yourself.  You may find yourself checking their social media feeds.  You may even try to reopen communication.  Chances are they will still not see where they were wrong, & wont be bothered to try.

Let them go, block their feeds for your own sake, cry as much as you need, & try to move on.

So where is Maura going now?

Well...no where.  For now I have the back bedroom to finish up & that will become my office.  I found a program that lets me edit video on my phone...😳 so I should be able to start putting the work on YouTube again.  I have to do some rather major construction repairs involving the window to get the new one installed--the original one was not installed correctly.  There's a jack post to install for a future remodel plan & now is the time to do that as well.

With the back bedroom complete everything will concentrate on the rebuilding of the building that becomes the shop.  I am already starting to work out the material list for it again.  The worst expenses will be sheathing, wiring, insulation, drywall, kind of in that order.  The trick is that to advance on the house I need the shop.  I need to be able to get my tools out of my house.  I need to be able to build the new bathroom cabinets--hint that's the next remodel in the house.  I need to be able to build my kitchen cabinets--yes I am also a cabinet maker!  Then there is the furniture for my house, an outdoor kitchen, & maybe when all that is done; build a skoolie.

I'm not the same person I was a year ago or even six months ago, & that is a good thing.

The eventual goal is to be earning money from my own sources so I can be who I am on my terms.  So if I want to keep my nails varnished all the time I can.  So I don't have to worry about people I work with finding out who I am away from my job etc.

If you would like to contribute to my shop currently I need 102 concrete blocks at $2 ea so if you want to buy me a block or one of the 150 2x4 studs, you can do that here every little bit helps me get closer to the end goal.  $2 doesn't sound like much but $2 here $5 there really does add up.

Thank you all for managing to stick with me through this tumultuous year.

Maura out