9-25-2023

I am still here and still alive.  I know I've been really quiet most of the month and I've gotten a few messages wondering if I am okay.

Work has had me going in typically an hour early most days trying to keep up with things, and get ahead of others--when you're the boss you have to do what you have to do, but we are now entering the "catch up season".

I've also been in my head a lot of late--some intentionally with meditation, other times involentarily--I'm awake 17 or 18 hours a day, and of those I am with other people about 2 or 3 hours, so I have a lot of time to just think, overthink, and process.  I've been doing a lot of both physical and mental purging for the last several weeks.  So in the silence I've been getting a lot of cleaning done, cleaning that fell behind during by most down points over the last year--I have been culling the dust-bunny population and over the next few weeks at this rate I should have a dust-bunny mass extinction event--as well as ridding myself of baggage, things, and ideas, that no longer serve me.  I am at this point a different person than I was in the Spring and way different than a year or two ago.

I have acquired a nice dining room table during a basement cleanout of one of the buildings my employer manages.   I was really surprised that the set was just abandoned as it is in really good shape and obviously was a higher priced set.

Yes the shelves beyond the table get moved in the future, they got put there when I moved in but I have another home planned for them soon.

I cleaned my bookshelves, removed books that got missed when Once Wife (OW) moved out last year and I added them to the boxes of stuff that is building up to go to her.

This last weekend I started deep cleaning my kitchen so when/if I get back to doing cooking videos I can actually show more of the kitchen.

I decided to tackle a set of bins and boxes that OW had stacked up and said everything in the stack belongs to my son--the stack of stuff denied that accusation.  Turned out most of that stack was in fact garbage.

I got some new wall hangings that are tin signs for the living room--yes my decorating is rather eclectic.

This coming weekend I'll be picking up Buttercup, so probably not a lot of cleaning this weekend.  With picking her up I'll transport several containers of stuff to OW.  We should be quite a sight transferring stuff from one car to another as we meet halfway between our homes--not that we are not welcome in the other's home it just keeps me from driving 14 hours round trip to acquire Buttercup.

I now should have the last of my divorce papers in hand so later this week or early next I can take off a little early and file them finally.  Once filed four to eight weeks later I should be unwed.

I have recently been told I am a Phoenix as much as I have crashed, burned, got up, brushed off the ash, and reinvented myself in the last year.  I have also been told I am a Unicorn?  So are you reading this or imagining this as that makes me a mythical creature and do mythical creatures write blog posts?

A few tenants I know well and a couple of coworkers, are trying to get me to go and meet people and maybe date again, but for now I am just planing on staying in full hermit mode.  There will be no one else for me.  Over the next few months I'll see where I stand on my social media, my writing, my shop, etc, if I keep going on those or commit digital suicide and become a hole in the internet.

God has told me not to give up on them.  I've been told things will be okay.  My psychic attributes have been coming back on line after decades of repression.  There is so much I would love to share that I have been told, and shown, but I have been told not to share those things yet.

So for now that brings things up to date.

Maura out

9-3-2023

 As you know the date as a title indicates this is a personal post.

Let me tell you some things about a special someone:

She is insanely beautiful

She is wicked smart and I mean wicked smart

She can be so loving, caring, nurturing

I understand from some around her that she is an amazing chef--no I have yet to eat her cooking

She can be very supportive

Yes she does at times have a sharp tongue and a bit of a temper--who doesn't though

She is an amazing person on so many levels

She has amazing fashion taste 

She has the most amazing voice--she could read the yellow pages and I'd listen just to hear her. 

She is a brilliant artist

A gifted writer 

So how did we get to where we are with her not talking to me enough that technically I am ghosted?

Long time followers will know that she took on a remote job last spring that was immediately demanding of her time.  She made a choice to pour herself into the job--understandable--and in doing so became somewhat distant.  I got scared I was being abandoned yet again and voiced my opinions about how I saw the job and boss being abusive to her and to her kids by consuming all of her time.  I voiced that the job needed her more than she needed the job.  I know she has everything inside of herself to do the job on her own and for herself and that would allow her to reap the profits of her labor in full as opposed to the pittance she is being paid.

At a point early this year a fake account pretending to be her boss popped up, it gleaned my complaints from my twitter, gleaned pics and such from her account and doxxed her--yes it is fairly obvious what we mean to each other and has for years.  I got accused and I fear inside of her, I got blamed.  I got told I made it clear I resented her career, a statement that is furthest from the truth--consider in the plans for my shop I have a large section set aside for her office/studio, a place where she can spread out her material and be undisturbed while she works yet also allow her to leave everything sitting out for the next days work...beats using a kitchen table.

The somewhat silence turned to telling me she would not be coming here.  To say I was devastated is a massive understatement.  I am not what most would call a religious person but I am a very spiritual person.  I pay attention to the energies people give off and for most of the year hers have been way off.  She is not acting like herself and I should know as I have known her 25% of her life.  Her actions make no sense and do not add up or subtract down unless certain extra things are added in like, potentially being threatened be the threats against herself, her kids, or me, possibly dark magic or spell work--prayers are spells so don't get all Christian in the comments--or someone giving her very dark/bad advice on me.  Ironically we have to consider that her own past experiences could be the threat and the bad advice by comparing past experiences to our relationship.  It's funny and telling how we had an over 20 minute phone call on my birthday but just 12 days later I was being told she would not be coming up.  As I said it just doesn't add up.

There have been hints to what is going on directly from her but nothing I can share without setting her ire to a higher level as I have enough life experience with her to read between the lines.

As I said I am spiritual, I do believe in a God/Goddess though for ease I usually just say The Force.  God has given me loads of synchronicities and messages telling me not to give up on her.  I have been told she is going through Karmic healing right now.  I have had channeled messages that my own mood swings and insane sleep patterns are tied to hers because we are meant to be together and as such our souls are tied, that The Divine Themself is taking care of things and trust in divine timing--great I have no patience and for the Divine the last ice-age ended an few seconds ago.  The problem is I completed my lessons before her because I live totally alone and most of my work day is spent alone, so I have a lot of time to be inside my own head...she doesn't.

Most of the time I think she is trying to convince herself that we are not and will not be a thing.  That the damage is too vast, but this all stems from a misunderstanding caused ultimately from a lack of actual talking which to me is easy to fix by just talking.

She is convinced I can do better than her, but two things are wrong there, I want her, not someone else, and when God made her He didn't try to make any improvements until her own kids came around--I see great futures for them.

It is funny as a writer she has trouble expressing herself at a personal level, expressing her feelings, etc, and as a writer I have trouble expressing my feelings in a way that make sense to her too.

I have felt for years that God brought us together, it makes sense as out of millions of twitter users we met via a mutual because the mutual commented on one of her posts and I just happened to see it.  I made a comment too and soon after I had my first direct message ever and my 7th follower.  I felt a connection with her from 2,000 miles away as if I had found a piece of myself that I had no idea was missing at the time.  We became friends, each other's ride or die.  I have prayed for her safety and abundance for years and as our marriages went through turmoil we were who we cried on.  Eventually I would call her girlfriend and consider her my mate.  Now I have to wait and see what comes next.  I always have people telling me to give up and walkaway but how do you walkaway from a part of your soul?  God has told me not to give up, to be patient, give Him some more time, that my tests and trials are done, to let Him finish fixing her.  Occasionally the temptation to walkaway does kind of take root, but I won't ever really leave her, I won't accept anyone else.  I would just become a hermit, only leaving the house to go to work, get supplies, and wait for my time here to inevitably end where I will either be sent to live another life again or maybe pass into the Happy Hunting Grounds of my ancestors.  Maybe she will finally meet up with me there or maybe I will spend eternity floating in the endless darkness of the Void.

Time will tell if I post this or not, she has reached out since I started writing this so maybe God picked up on my frustration.

Just do me a favor if you have read this far, pray for us, cast spells, help us heal.

Maura Out

Silence

There is a saying you stumble across now and again "silence is an answer", no, actually it is not.  Let's look at this a bit deeper for a minute:

Silence*

The condition or quality of being or keeping still and silent.

The absence of sound; stillness.

A period of time without speech or noise.

Answer*

A spoken or written reply, as to a question.

A correct reply.

A solution, as to a problem.

Now as we can see by definition silence is not an answer, but it is an avoidance*.  Not giving an answer to something tells the inquiring person that they are beneath being given basic human consideration, it does not solve a problem, and in most cases only makes the problem grow and or fester*.  Unanswered questions lead to further breakdowns in relationships, they lead to animosity*, to more questions, and hopelessness*.

Silence is not an answer to anyone but the one giving the silence and to everyone else it makes the silent one look both mean and foolish.

Maura out

*Definitions via The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, 5th Edition

Avoidance = The act of shunning or avoiding

Fester = to be or become an increasing source of irritation

Animosity = Bitter hostility or open enmity; active hatred

Hopelessness = the despair you feel when you have abandoned hope of comfort or success