9-3-2023

 As you know the date as a title indicates this is a personal post.

Let me tell you some things about a special someone:

She is insanely beautiful

She is wicked smart and I mean wicked smart

She can be so loving, caring, nurturing

I understand from some around her that she is an amazing chef--no I have yet to eat her cooking

She can be very supportive

Yes she does at times have a sharp tongue and a bit of a temper--who doesn't though

She is an amazing person on so many levels

She has amazing fashion taste 

She has the most amazing voice--she could read the yellow pages and I'd listen just to hear her. 

She is a brilliant artist

A gifted writer 

So how did we get to where we are with her not talking to me enough that technically I am ghosted?

Long time followers will know that she took on a remote job last spring that was immediately demanding of her time.  She made a choice to pour herself into the job--understandable--and in doing so became somewhat distant.  I got scared I was being abandoned yet again and voiced my opinions about how I saw the job and boss being abusive to her and to her kids by consuming all of her time.  I voiced that the job needed her more than she needed the job.  I know she has everything inside of herself to do the job on her own and for herself and that would allow her to reap the profits of her labor in full as opposed to the pittance she is being paid.

At a point early this year a fake account pretending to be her boss popped up, it gleaned my complaints from my twitter, gleaned pics and such from her account and doxxed her--yes it is fairly obvious what we mean to each other and has for years.  I got accused and I fear inside of her, I got blamed.  I got told I made it clear I resented her career, a statement that is furthest from the truth--consider in the plans for my shop I have a large section set aside for her office/studio, a place where she can spread out her material and be undisturbed while she works yet also allow her to leave everything sitting out for the next days work...beats using a kitchen table.

The somewhat silence turned to telling me she would not be coming here.  To say I was devastated is a massive understatement.  I am not what most would call a religious person but I am a very spiritual person.  I pay attention to the energies people give off and for most of the year hers have been way off.  She is not acting like herself and I should know as I have known her 25% of her life.  Her actions make no sense and do not add up or subtract down unless certain extra things are added in like, potentially being threatened be the threats against herself, her kids, or me, possibly dark magic or spell work--prayers are spells so don't get all Christian in the comments--or someone giving her very dark/bad advice on me.  Ironically we have to consider that her own past experiences could be the threat and the bad advice by comparing past experiences to our relationship.  It's funny and telling how we had an over 20 minute phone call on my birthday but just 12 days later I was being told she would not be coming up.  As I said it just doesn't add up.

There have been hints to what is going on directly from her but nothing I can share without setting her ire to a higher level as I have enough life experience with her to read between the lines.

As I said I am spiritual, I do believe in a God/Goddess though for ease I usually just say The Force.  God has given me loads of synchronicities and messages telling me not to give up on her.  I have been told she is going through Karmic healing right now.  I have had channeled messages that my own mood swings and insane sleep patterns are tied to hers because we are meant to be together and as such our souls are tied, that The Divine Themself is taking care of things and trust in divine timing--great I have no patience and for the Divine the last ice-age ended an few seconds ago.  The problem is I completed my lessons before her because I live totally alone and most of my work day is spent alone, so I have a lot of time to be inside my own head...she doesn't.

Most of the time I think she is trying to convince herself that we are not and will not be a thing.  That the damage is too vast, but this all stems from a misunderstanding caused ultimately from a lack of actual talking which to me is easy to fix by just talking.

She is convinced I can do better than her, but two things are wrong there, I want her, not someone else, and when God made her He didn't try to make any improvements until her own kids came around--I see great futures for them.

It is funny as a writer she has trouble expressing herself at a personal level, expressing her feelings, etc, and as a writer I have trouble expressing my feelings in a way that make sense to her too.

I have felt for years that God brought us together, it makes sense as out of millions of twitter users we met via a mutual because the mutual commented on one of her posts and I just happened to see it.  I made a comment too and soon after I had my first direct message ever and my 7th follower.  I felt a connection with her from 2,000 miles away as if I had found a piece of myself that I had no idea was missing at the time.  We became friends, each other's ride or die.  I have prayed for her safety and abundance for years and as our marriages went through turmoil we were who we cried on.  Eventually I would call her girlfriend and consider her my mate.  Now I have to wait and see what comes next.  I always have people telling me to give up and walkaway but how do you walkaway from a part of your soul?  God has told me not to give up, to be patient, give Him some more time, that my tests and trials are done, to let Him finish fixing her.  Occasionally the temptation to walkaway does kind of take root, but I won't ever really leave her, I won't accept anyone else.  I would just become a hermit, only leaving the house to go to work, get supplies, and wait for my time here to inevitably end where I will either be sent to live another life again or maybe pass into the Happy Hunting Grounds of my ancestors.  Maybe she will finally meet up with me there or maybe I will spend eternity floating in the endless darkness of the Void.

Time will tell if I post this or not, she has reached out since I started writing this so maybe God picked up on my frustration.

Just do me a favor if you have read this far, pray for us, cast spells, help us heal.

Maura Out