6-28-2023

Well girl-friend did talk a tiny bit over the last two evenings, apparently my venting about how her job is abusive to her, and disrespectful of her kids, and how her boss is an asshole, is a major issue--maybe if she had not shut down on me I wouldn't have needed to vent:

"You made it clear you resent my career and you want me back to the way I was when everything in my life was working against me. That hurts me."

Now she knows full well I planned a portion of my shop building to be her office to be exact 12 feet by 14 feet of the building, so no small space.  Basically me feeling she needs a more respectful of her job was/is resenting her career....I can't make this make sense.

I explained my meaning but in the end she doesn't "know if we will work out in a romantic relationship."  I guess the job means more to her than I do after all.  A job that is on one coast while she is on the other and expects her to accommodate their time of day for meetings etc.  A job that offers no insurance plan, and so little pay she can barely afford her child's braces.  A job that pays so little she can't afford to move out of the house of the person who tried to kill her four years ago--seriously how does this make any sense as I can't see it.

A friend tells me I should try and make friends and see where it goes.  Maybe find someone to date...no, it always ends up the same way.  As a refugee from Hell I have too much baggage, then add my mental issues, and I can't put myself out there again.  She was my last hope at not being alone anymore and she keeps telling me I deserve better than her--better...is that possible?

Once Wife spent most of our marriage isolating herself from me and pushing big wedges between me and our kids.  Now girl-friend has done the same she spent too long being butt hurt instead of talking, because I wanted better for her than an asshole boss that would instantly call her and chew her out to tears because I teased her on the public timeline about her leaving a timezone off a time critical post that was in her own personal feed--yep it happened.  Her job needs her, she does not need the job to do what she does.  She has the drive, the knowledge base, the connections, the followers, to do what she does and do it better without her employer.

So now I am alone forever, just me, my baggage, 1,400 sqft of house, and an acre of yard that is quickly turning into a mini-park, and the dust bunnies, to remind me I am alone until I die...I hope that event is soon.  I will try to turn more inward, stay home as much as possible, and just avoid people now.  It is clear to me now that much like my mom didn't want me neither does anyone else.

June 26, 2023

It has been a week.  It started with her asking publicly for forgiveness,

I redacted even though this is a public post out of respect for her.
I don't know why she deleted the original post and I could have used it as I have it but I'll respect her wish to delete it.

and that for obvious reasons lead me to believe she is regretting her choices, but silence persisted until Wednesday when she did admit she is not mad at me.  Then back to silence.

The big thing is I've never been mad at her, her actions upset me and y'all know that by my venting, but I've never been mad at her--had I been I'd have probably nuked her and trust me I could, but I am sure neither of us want a flame war with the other.  Yes I still want her, I still love her deeply, and most likely always will.  The only action of her's I have trouble forgiving or moving past is her use of silence as she knows to me it is abusive.

I think I have worked out the final reason for everything going silent though and it has more to do with her than with me.   A few things lead me to believe that the main issue for the silence is the very same person who just four years ago tried to kill her, and being unsuccessful at that tried to take her kids from her--tell me again why she won't leave the state she is in, and what hold does this person have over her that keeps her there?  I have brought this up and gotten no response so I am pretty sure I am correct as had this assumption been wrong she would have corrected me.

I have reminded her that I am willing to drive to her, pick her and the kids up, and bring her home--32 hours total behind the wheel for me so no small sacrifice on my part.  It would mean she has to abandon a lot of stuff but it is just stuff after all.  The big thing is, there is almost no one who actually knows where I live and I do live in a rather large metropolitan area, so to me that is a layer of safety as she would be nearly un-find-able for a while at least.  She could lay low long enough to get her thoughts and legal affairs in order anyways.  She knows I have space and she knows I do not expect anything of her beyond helping around here as she adjusts to life here as I even have a separate place for her to sleep--yep I do not expect her to sleep with me.

I mentioned last time that I am pretty sure Once Wife is a lost cause and she proved it by slipping that her and the ex-son in law are talking about buying a house together...yeah.  Need I mention now why Buttercup lives with her?  (Yes I am fully aware of the fact that I live in a Jerry Springer episode)  I have a name for him but I'll cut it down to initials FA he is the reason my marriage finally imploded almost 10 years ago and why after agreeing to marital counseling when we moved she opted out of it.  No the implosion had absolutely nothing to do with my friend turned girlfriend.  The final straws were his presence and her falling for him and his lies--this is part of why I do not regularly talk about my oldest daughter.  Add in that she has returned to no longer seeing a therapist--I've had 15 years of that myself--and has pretty much cut communication off again and I am sure she is a lost cause.

I got reminded very enthusiastically overnight by my sub-conscious that I live alone and shouldn't--three different Phd level psychologists have told me that--by night terrors twice and both times crying out the girlfriend's name, but obviously no one answered.  I have memories I do not wish upon anyone and terrors from childhood that I'm glad most have never experienced.

I got in the truck Monday and sat on my phone breaking the screen, got it repaired Wednesday and dropped it on Saturday while getting ready to burn brush.  So two new screens in a week 😳 I have a super duper phone case arriving today.

Saturday when I got back from the repair shop found me burning brush again, 95F/35C with high humidity.  I opted for a one piece swimsuit due to the heat and by the time I finished I looked like I had just got out of a pool--sorry no pics as the phone was down, maybe next time ;-)

I'm back to buying lottery tickets two a week so $4 it's about the only hope I have now--beyond living a very short life.  Maybe with enough money girlfriend would feel safe enough to leave there.  At worst I'd know what rich and alone feels like compared to this.  Money is about my only advocate now as no one has ever advocated for me.

Thanks for listening,

Maura out

The yard...amoung other things

Updates from the yard and some venting as this is the only place I  have to vent from.

From Saturday:

The yard is mowed

More logs from the blown out tree top are stacked--I tend to take an evening or two through the week and log them out.

Lunch is eaten--nothing fancy just Ramen

Time to burn more brush & limbs--I managed to burn a large pile of juniper limbs that have been piled up since putting the roof on three years ago...😳  The problem is I found some I missed afterward 🙄 not much but frustrating, oh well I have plenty yet to burn this Summer.

I realized while mowing that my front yard is not much bigger than a typical subdivision backyard & most of my acre is actually in my backyard!

When I finally have the yard cleaned up, de-brushed, and actual grass growing, I'll have my own mini park--I wish her and the kids were here to share it, but I'll maintain it as best I can as I age and the memories of what could have been will haunt me until I die.

Saturday evening I was tired and lonely.  She has been on my mind a lot of late and honestly that isn't helping my depression.  It hasn't been three months yet since she backed out of coming and decided that ghosting me was a good idea.  I'm not sure how long it will take to get over her regardless of how I rationalize things or look for reasons to be upset with her--there aren't many reasons really.

I just wish she was here 😭

Saturday's dinner was stupid simple, re fried beans, some shredded cheese, chips, and some cornflakes for dessert.  I had a movie playing just for sound but really couldn't get into it.

The evening left me thinking through my life, & how I am where I am.  Once Wife although talking to me will probably never be more than a distant friend at this point--she lives seven hours away.  As I pointed out in my last post there is a lot of baggage behind us and when you add in she still talks to my mother--who still lies through her teeth--it makes returning to what was, pretty much impossible.

I still don't know what snapped last August and why the then girlfriend decided to become distant and in the end why she bailed on us, but here I am. I have my blame to lay but it doesn't fix things...only she can do that and the door is still open for her to do so.  One thing I will say is I hope Karma is not nice to her boss.  I genuinely wish him a long, healthy, life, in a cardboard box somewhere, alone, and forgotten, because with the damage he has caused for me it is what he deserves--it is ironic that the first part of his twitter handle rhymes with asshole.

If for some reason you talk to her and our accounts do not line up, just ask me as I have every DM, text, email, and picture that has ever gone between us archived--have a childhood where truth was ignored and you are always accused of lying and you learn to keep everything for proof that you are not lying.

So what was she like before the job?  She was kind, caring, loving, a beautiful soul, and drop dead gorgeous!  I felt I'd won the lottery with her, and that the sins of my own past had finally been forgiven.  I felt I had a chance at a new life with someone who had a lot of similar interests to my own.  Whose kids are amazing and again overlap a lot of my own interests let alone I've known them most of their lives.  When she agreed to move here I was the most elated person on the planet.

Now, I'm lonely, empty, and again abandoned.  I won't look for anyone else.  I will remain a hermit at my house, only going out for supplies, and work, I doubt I'll travel beyond the occasional trip to see my grand-daughter.  What trust I started to have in humanity by finding her is now gone and I am not looking to fix that trust as it has only ever lead me right where I am now...ghosted.  I once heard a man say "I long for the relief that death will bring" I lived with that feeling for years before she agreed to move here, and now I pray for that relief many times a day.

Maura Out

An odd anniversary

A year ago today (June 9th) my Once Wife (OW) drove away from my house.  I didn't have time to feel lonely, and there was no point in feeling sad as for nearly a decade prior our marriage had already almost fully imploded to the point we hadn't even slept in the same bed in a couple of years.  In ways our marriage was doomed from the beginning as we both had very over-bearing mothers who were yanking us around and feeding us VERY toxic lies about each other.

My mom was constantly telling me OW was running around on me.  That she trapped me by getting pregnant.  That my first daughter & son were not mine but someone else's--yes there is an older daughter--mother of my grand-daughter--I do not normally talk about out of respect for her wishes.

OW's mom was constantly threatening to take our kids away.  There was a lot more from her too and some I still am not fully aware of I'm sure as OW has not always told me everything.  It was because of the threats to take my daughter and son that we wound up living with my in-laws.

The day before we found out about OW being pregnant I had received my acceptance letter from UCLA school of Architecture and Design I had applied there and to MIT as ways of getting out of where we were as even then I knew our families were toxic--I got the acceptance from MIT three days after learning about the pregnancy...I never finished college, and until not long ago I had not told OW about those letters because they were worth about as much as for me at the time as the paper they were printed on.

About this time eleven years ago I met a wonderful person on twitter.  She was kind, caring, and we vented to each other regularly, I spent hours during a holiday season talking her out of killing herself.  We became the best of friends.  Two years ago she went from girl-friend to girlfriend as our marriages were both about done--or so it seemed.  About a year and a half ago she took a remote job which was fine as we had already talked and planned for her to join me here--if you follow this blog and my twitter you know how that fell out.

So I spent last Summer buying new dishes, as she likes fancy serving sets and being a trained chef I'm fine with those too.  So I slowly bought a nice set-up.  I got some stuff to help her and her kids adjust to a new place--like Minecraft sheets and blankets--not a lot of stuff, but a few things.  By August my world began to fall apart.

I don't know exactly what snapped in her, but she changed overnight and I still blame the job from Hell and her asshole boss--oddly her estranged husband and mom both have the exact same opinion of him according to her so it is not just my perception.  We went from texting multiple times a day to "do we have to talk all the time" and from semi-regular phone calls to the phone not being answered and at times being blocked.  The timing of all of this lines up almost exactly with the addition of other duties from the job.  The kind and caring woman I knew is now gone by Christmas.

From August to October my mom was in fairly constant communication with me (like at least an hour plus call everyday) and guess what?  All the things she had lied about with OW were now aimed at the girlfriend--there was absolutely no way they had ever met or talked.

By October I was fairly consistently ignored by my girlfriend and was consistently debating walking into the side of a moving freight train--not hard as they pass behind the house regularly.  It was the middle of October that my mom dropped the revelation that if it were not for my dad I'd have been aborted.  During the same conversation I learned that she gave my inheritance money from my grandmother to my brother--enough money to have completely built my shop, tooled it, and done some repairs on my house, or paid off my car!  I have not spoken to her since and my depression has slowly lifted to the point that when the girlfriend told me she was not moving up in March I did not want to die.

So we are up to the last two posts, progress is moving along and this weekend I should be shooting two or three "Cooking with Maura" episodes of the 12 I want in the can before they start going up for everyone to watch.  If you wonder why I want 12 ahead, that's to cover recording equipment failure, meal attempt failure, me getting sick, granddaughter visiting and I don't have time to record, and so on.  Also this weekend I should start doing the audio recordings of some of my stories--Space Trucker will be first.

So a year mostly alone has lead me to some very dark places, and yet has shown me a new path as well.  OW and I are actually talking regularly for the first time in a very long time--neither of us really know where that is going right now, but we are at least back to being the best friends we were for years. We are both learning where we began to drift apart and what caused it from both sides.  In the end we can at least still be friends and considering she has been a near constant in my life for almost 36 years that is a good thing.

My job is going good as near as I can tell--the boss has had few complaints of late so I guess I am doing okay.  I am just over a year there and I have a pretty good idea of what my legacy crew is capable of and we are looking to expand it by 50% over the next month.

I'm planning to start posting a YouTube short or two each week as I build up my videos, but the shorts will be rapid cooking things like my dinner last night that literally took in total less than 10 minutes to make.

I'd still like to know exactly why the girlfriend snapped last year.  Why she felt ghosting me and yet stalking my feed for reasons to be mad at me was a good idea in her head.  Why by Christmas had communication pretty much shut down to the point I never did get a pick of her in the hoodie I sent her--yeah a hoodie so not even risque.

Do I still love her?  Yes.  Would I still have her here?  Yes, but I would have to have answers and assurances.  I'd have to know what shut her down last year--if she is even sure.  I'd have to know who was feeding her lies or misinformation about me--I have an idea because as soon as I blocked them on twitter her sub-tweets stopped.  I'd still be willing to drive down and get the three of them, but again assurances; like overnighting their passports and documents to me before I'd agree to come.  All of this said she would have to reach out to me, she has my address, my emails, etc, all she has to do is reach out but I doubt she ever will.  I still have moments where I expect to find her on my porch when I get home.  Oddly enough by now I could have put them on my health insurance as domestic partner had she been here when she originally agreed to; the excuse given was she had to put stuff on hold because of her job--see why I blame the job and the asshole boss now?  If you communicate with her and she needs my address I have a few people I would trust to pass it on such as (first names are all that are needed) Scott, Mark, Rick, Maggie, Drew, all of which can reach me via DM on twitter.

So in a month I will have been alone here a full year as that is when my youngest daughter moved out.  Where will this next year take me?  I have an idea as I can see the destination but the path is not completely visible at this time.  For now it is a blend of day job and side hustles, and hopefully the side hustles will earn enough to reinvest into itself and grow to being my sole income.

I know a lot of this is probably repeat but it is my only real way to vent anything at this point.

Maura out

Update:

Space trucker is recorded, the sound is good but I need to edit the flubs out.

I reached out to her and again blatant silence was all I got.  So the woman I fell in love with is truly gone.  She has been replaced with someone who cares more for laser printers and thermisters than love & friendship.

Yes I feel kind of empty inside, I hate losing and especially when I can't see why.

Two videos managed to be recorded over the weekend and one may end up as a short because I forgot just how fast Alfredo sauce is to make.

Maura out...again