Upcoming news sort of a non-announcement

I made a decision Saturday (4-22-2023) that as Donald Trump would say is HUGE.  It seriously would be easier with her help as she has a better grasp on several aspects of this than I do, but I'm on my own now.  It puts me back where I want to be & that is in content creation, but I can't actually release the content for at least several months due to some issues I am tying up here though--for the curious, finalizing divorce from Once Wife, finalizing my name change, possibly setting up an LLC, & wiping my tweet history so tweets from the beginning of time can't come back.  Having a name everyone knows me by & a legal name creates a lot of hurdles when it comes to the banking system & creates massive privacy issues as the legal name becomes a liability to me--yes the legal one is the liability as it ties my past to my present & future, via relatives that are less than savory & no longer welcome in my life.

In the meantime, I will be focusing on content creation & getting some of the kinks with that worked out...like creating on a schedule every weekend.  What will I be creating?

• Remodeling projects on the house & rebuilding the old guest house into a shop to start.
• From there furniture building, rewiring the house--current breaker box was recalled 40+ years ago.
• Remodeling the main bathroom--a bearing wall needs moved, vanity needs built, the 1969 model pink tub needs replaced, adding washer & drier hook-ups.
• Making the new kitchen which means removing a wall, building cabinets, building the countertop on site, etc.
• Also building an outdoor kitchen.
• Probably a second channel that will be "Cooking with Maura" as well.

Basically several years of "do it by myself" content as I put my 53 years of life experience to use--I learned from my dad & was his helper since I could hold a flashlight.   For the most part I will be using common tools that come from big box stores & low cost importers, basically the common person's tools.  I like to make what I need/want.. It will also find me working on me--weight loss, make-up skills, permanent hair removal, etc.  It'll also find me learning the finer graces of tracking business expenses, tax software, & so on as I won't have to file it all yet but will need to be ready too...then again I may be filing losses at first...yeah, a lot to learn--Once Wife was the business major not me.

If things go according to plan (insert maniacal laughter here) I might be able to start releasing video late September or October.  Could be as early as late August or as late as January 1st, but a lot is riding on the legal system here & the issues are six to eight weeks each & can't be done concurrently to my knowledge.

Am I being a bit cryptic?  Sort of.  I don't want to say too much yet & I'm not entirely sure if this will be just a supplemental income or a replacement income.  I know at first it will definitely be supplemental, & allow me to get things paid off as well as buy some equipment--tools, performance outfits, make-up, recording gear, etc--I need.  The big issue is that my two worlds--day job vs content creator job--will be at risk of collision & could force me to choose between them before I am fully ready if my creator job gets outed--I'm not worried about my employer, but my crew could become an issue.

I'll also need to bank some cash because we all know that self employed means you are really at the whims of the economy.

The upsides though mean I can create & remodel on my schedule, I will have more availability to spend time with my grand-daughter, over all less stress in my life, potentially a much higher income stream, & the funds to move somewhere without such cold winters...all in due time but the point is there are possibilities that I don't currently have.

Stay tuned, things will be announced as I can.

Maura out

*Updated 4-24-2023 to add what I will be creating as I was asked by a follower on twitter.  My reaction was "well duh, that would be a good thing to have mentioned" 🙄

Maura

What is in a lie?

Let's start with this pic is a lie created by my phone overexposing the view out the kitchen window.

This is actually what it looked like when I looked out.

Now the 1st image does look nice, more inviting, crisp even, but much like an advertisement it isn't what you're getting.

So what is a lie?  Well sodium hydroxide for starters...wait that's lye not lie--see even words do it 😁

A lie is any misrepresentation or deception, the intent does not matter the fact is any misrepresentation is a lie.  A bearing of false witness is a lie.  Photoshopping your dating profile is a lie.  Representing yourself as someone you aren't on social media is a lie.  White washing your past?  Again a lie but by omission because again you are misrepresenting only this time by omitting less favorable truths.

We tend to grade lies too:

A little white lie.

A white lie.

A story.

A whopper.

A tall tail.

Wow that's a load of bull sh**.

What a crock.

That story could land ya 10 to 30.

Yes I have heard everyone of these in my 53 years orbiting Sol.

We also run into what Obi-Wan Kenobi stated in the Star Wars series "What I told you was true, from a certain point of view."  This is probably the worst to handle as one is telling the truth but the listener is hearing a lie.

Here is a common one people don't always consider; hiding social media accounts from your partners is deceptive and the root of deception is a lie.  You could say sub-tweeting is a lie because multiple people will think it is about them and wonder what they did to deserve it by not confronting the person directly you have lied from a certain point of view to several others--I have been a victim of thinking a sub-tweet was about me and of being sub-tweeted too.

As for myself, I have two basic rules above all others because I have been lied to so many times throughout my life: "Be open, be honest."  That is probably my single worst boundary to cross because again I've been lied to or about so many times in my life and the certain point of view argument is one I don't readily accept.  The second is don't go silent on me, going silent to me is lying by omission because the issue that caused it is not dealt with and is still there.  The silence ensures the issue will come up again and again until it is finally dealt with and by that point it will be a malignant festering issue that is hard to move past.  If someone owns up to me that they lied and shows remorse I'm willing to let it go and move on, seriously I accept the apology and it is over--I've been told I am very simplistic on that but isn't that really what all religions tell us we are to do?

So what brought this up?  Honestly it started from the two pics up top, and they got me to thinking about recent events in my own life and now here we are--and no not just the former girlfriend I basically work customer service after all.

The best advice I can give anyone is never lie.  If you never tell a lie you never have to remember what you told someone to keep from getting caught.

Maura out

Want to help Maura do more projects?  You can do that here

Easter Sunday & thoughts

Well the wash is going, I'm eating breakfast while it goes.  From a couple of things said on her time line I wonder if I'll hear from her or if it was about someone else.  Time will tell.

The only messages I get from God lately are "be paitiant".  So, I've tried to stay back, give space, wait...it isn't easy for me but I guess either her mind will change or her memory will fade.

By the time Once Wife left it was nothing but anger & the split was long over due...there was no grieving, no loss, no future plans.

It has been over 35 years since I've had to deal with a relationship just going "POOF!"

The silence right now is like when she is mad, but my gut still feels this is the wrong choice, that her mind will change, but I'm probably wrong.

I have had a lot of time to analyze the time frame, to really look, really think, & I genuinely can lock down the issues starting with an exact point with her job.  When her work load & duties had a shift.  Suddenly they shipped her a lot of stuff to do her job's new aspect--an aspect she is overwhelmingly qualified to do & even more than what she was doing prior.  It was about then that everything suddenly shifted.

Maybe she feels more fulfilled with the job than with the thought of me?

I'm still not mad at her.  I'm not upset with her.  I'm lonely, but I was lonely before so that isn't really different.  As I've said before I can't regret her; she showed me parts of myself I hadn't seen.  She helped me grow in ways no one had before.  I owe her a lot.

Do I hope she will have a change of heart?  Yes.  Will she?  I don't know for sure.  I'm not even sure she still reads my time line.

Maura out

Updates on me

This pic kind of sums up my insides right now, calm, yet stormy.

Well I'm still here, still wondering if a change of heart will happen or not--I have left her that option open.  I am floored though with how many mutuals knew we were a couple & only recently said something about that to me.  Many have had rough experiences with her as well--she doesn't like being told she is wrong publicly.

No matter what anyone has said I keep expecting her to change her mind.  I still feel in my gut that the choice was wrong & she will come to realize it.  The woman I know is still in there, but this odd person emerged when she took her job with the nonprofit last Spring.  The job as I have noted before is mentally abusive.  The employer is both demanding & completely inconsiderate of her kids.  A few months into the job & the person we all knew before quickly faded away & was replaced with someone else.  I have told her several times "It's a job, not your life" but she'd go quiet & double down.

We went from happily discussing things about being together to distant & at times resentful.  About a year ago I got an amazing picture of her that was just for me, a pic that is still one of my favorites of her.  By November the pics stopped.  By August she was almost consumed by the job from Hell & by Christmas I only saw occasional glimpses of the person I love as opposed to the one she became.  Obviously it all fell apart recently, but I think it stopped back closer to Christmas because by then all communication had basically stopped.

I don't know exactly why the total shift.  I don't know why the job took over her life or why she allowed it to.  I don't know how the kids are handling it, but I fear they are treated like I have been.

The last flowers I sent didn't even get a "thank you."

I thought things were looking better on my birthday as we had a 20+ minute phone call, but a few weeks later here we are.

I'd still have her and the kids here in a heartbeat, but there would have to be some hard lines and rules for that to happen.

Yes she explained the why of not coming, she apologized for her behaviors & I do accept those.  The apologies are why I can still accept her as those are from her.  The rules/lines are because I've had 3rd degree relationship burns before.

I've known her almost 11 years, she was my first DM on twitter & my 7th follower.  I've known her through 2 twitter accounts, 2 tumblrs, 2 Instagram's, 2 Facebook's, a lot of texts emails, & phone calls.  I probably know her better than almost anyone at this point including her mother.  I know she is scared to make the move.  I know why she is scared to make the move.  I've tried to comfort her & assuage her fears but deep seated fear is hard to conquer.

There are little reminders of her throughout the house because I tried to replace worn out or missing things with items that would help her & the kids transition to life here.  Things I knew she would like; she likes fancy table settings for holidays so serving trays, matching glasses, plates, enought to serve eight...no it is only me & memories.  Things for the kids; special blankets, posters, a room being remodeled.  Not much wasted beyond some clothes I had bought her--my youngest is going to re-home them for me.  Funny that a couple of those outfits were even discussed, but that is how fast everything changed with the job last year.

I guess this turned into a vent, but I have no one else to vent too.

Prayers, spells, curses--aimed only at her employer please, are all accepted.  I need strength regardless of the outcome.  If I'm right and she is to change her mind I hope it is soon for the sake of what sanity I have left.

Maura out

Well...that was a week 😳

Well, the evening after the last post went up I learned my girlfriend is not coming up & we are just girl friends.  I'd like to say I was shocked, surprised, floored, but I wasn't.  She slipped & started to say something in early February that has had me wondering since then.  Plus the fact pictures from Christmas never appeared, it took days to find out if what I got her kids was liked...its all added up.  I've been praying for a straight answer & possibly the strength to walk away since Valentines day...I got both.  A few things have been said public & private since that had me thinking she was having a change of heart & I asked but only silence followed.

Her behaviors became mentally abusive & over the last year they continued to escalate.  Lies compounded one on another as well.  My own boundaries were crossed with impunity many times.  It got to a point where twitter notifications brought me great anxiety.

She did apologize for her behaviors & things said, & I accept those apologies, but those scars will not soon fade.  Yes, she will always have a place in my heart & my memories.  No, I do not regret her as overall she helped me grow as a person.  She helped me overcome issues of my own.  She is the first person to describe me as "hot" & that did more for my self esteem than years of psychotherapy ever did.  I have talked her back before & she has talked me back.  I literally saved her life once.

I've been going back through old texts, emails, DMs...yeah I have all of them, & I can see the pattern is long & old.

If someone in your life is doing something hurtful/abusive & you tell them, but it continues so you tell them again & maybe again; take a long look at the relationship because chances are they don't love or respect you enough to try & change.  Cutting them out will hurt, but it's best for you in the long run.  Trust me you will absolutely second guess yourself.  You may find yourself checking their social media feeds.  You may even try to reopen communication.  Chances are they will still not see where they were wrong, & wont be bothered to try.

Let them go, block their feeds for your own sake, cry as much as you need, & try to move on.

So where is Maura going now?

Well...no where.  For now I have the back bedroom to finish up & that will become my office.  I found a program that lets me edit video on my phone...😳 so I should be able to start putting the work on YouTube again.  I have to do some rather major construction repairs involving the window to get the new one installed--the original one was not installed correctly.  There's a jack post to install for a future remodel plan & now is the time to do that as well.

With the back bedroom complete everything will concentrate on the rebuilding of the building that becomes the shop.  I am already starting to work out the material list for it again.  The worst expenses will be sheathing, wiring, insulation, drywall, kind of in that order.  The trick is that to advance on the house I need the shop.  I need to be able to get my tools out of my house.  I need to be able to build the new bathroom cabinets--hint that's the next remodel in the house.  I need to be able to build my kitchen cabinets--yes I am also a cabinet maker!  Then there is the furniture for my house, an outdoor kitchen, & maybe when all that is done; build a skoolie.

I'm not the same person I was a year ago or even six months ago, & that is a good thing.

The eventual goal is to be earning money from my own sources so I can be who I am on my terms.  So if I want to keep my nails varnished all the time I can.  So I don't have to worry about people I work with finding out who I am away from my job etc.

If you would like to contribute to my shop currently I need 102 concrete blocks at $2 ea so if you want to buy me a block or one of the 150 2x4 studs, you can do that here every little bit helps me get closer to the end goal.  $2 doesn't sound like much but $2 here $5 there really does add up.

Thank you all for managing to stick with me through this tumultuous year.

Maura out